Kill the pain
by HaleyBub
Summary: Post season 3. When Peyton sees herself all alone, she hits rock botom. And the only person who can help her will have to rise above the anger and hurt in order to save her best friend from falling. Breyton friendship, Brucas, mentions of Jeyton.
1. Am I too lost to be saved?

_So... I had a lot of doubts about whether not I should publish this fic. And I'm still not sure it's even gonna become a whole story, cause I only have like 3 chapters ready. I just had some thoughts coming to my mind and I _had_ to write them. I wanted to let you all know from the start thatthebegining of the story is a little... dark, yeah, I guess that's the word. I don't know if it's gonna keep going in this direction, I just thought I'd let you know. Anyway, here's the story. I hope you like it, and please review._

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters, and not even the first paragraph, which was taken from the S3 finale. I'm just a huge fan and thought I'dkeep my mind busy until season 4 begins! _

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**Chapter 1 – Am I too lost to be saved?**

- As far as I'm concerned, this friendship is over. And if we never speak again for the rest of our lives, that will be fine!

Brooke walks out of the room. Peyton turns to her, looking lost and not saying a word. Brooke stops at the door and looks at her former best friend, with tears in her eyes.

- I gave you a second chance, Peyton. And you blew it! – and then she walks away, leaving Peyton sitting on her bed, sobbing.

Brooke walks out of the house and into her car. She sits and starts crying too. She doesn't want to lose her best friend again, but things had gone too far this time.

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Peyton's POV: 

Why on Earth did I do that? She's right, I blew it. I never wanted to steal Lucas from her, I _won't_ steal Lucas from her. And even if I tried, it's not like he would do anything, he's completely in love with Brooke. But that's not the point. Cause I don't _want_ to do that. Last year, I was a total bitch to her, I stabbed her on the back. And she forgave me. And now I just wanted things to be different. I wanted to be honest with her from the start. Why? I don't know! Alright? I have no idea! I felt like I'd be betraying her if I didn't say anything. Cause that's what I did the other time, and look how well that turned out. Oh my god, what kind of friend am I? Maybe I don't even deserve a friend like Brooke. Brooke would always put our friendship before guys. When she found out Felix was responsible for that 'dyke' paiting on my locker, she immediately broke up with him, no questions asked. When we were younger, Brooke would always defend me against anyone, and I'd defend her. I remember she broke up with two of her boyfriends cause they didn't like me, and they kept messing with me at school.

And, of course, my dad's not here, I can't go to Jake till I figure things out. Haley and Nathan are at their honeymoon. And Lucas… well, if I expect Brooke to ever forgive me, then talking to him is not an option. What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost… it's like nothing makes sense anymore. I screw up. That's what I do. I drive people away. I hurt Jake, I hurt Brooke. I hurt the people I care about the most. And I keep making all those mistakes… that's it, I gotta do something about it… I'll just wash my face and go for a walk.

But when I get to the bathroom I see something, almost as if it'd been put there for me to take it. My father's razor. I don't think, I can't think right now, I'm too weak for that. I'm too weak to fight the tears and even to be afraid. I take it and cut my own skin. My wrists. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't wanna die. I just want to… feel. Feel anything. I wanna feel the pain I've been causing to everyone else. I look at my arm as the blood spreads through my skin. It's not a lot of blood. I can barely feel the pain. So I cut deeper this time, desperate to feel something. I feel this stinging pain and I watch the blood drip. And then I hear something, someone. Someone is standing right before me, but I don't have the strength to look up. She bends and looks at me. It's Brooke. I can see her lips moving, but I can't hear anything.

- I'm sorry…

That's all I can say before everything turns black.


	2. Sister

**Chapter 2 – Sister**

_Hands on the mirror, can't get much clearer_

_Can't make this all go away_

_Now that you're bleeding you stare at the ceiling_

_And watch as it all fades away_

Brooke's POV:

I don't wanna lose my best friend. I could never imagine living without Peyton in my life. I need her, she's the one I go to when things are bad, when I'm bored or sad or happy or confused. But then there's Lucas. It's not about choosing a guy over my best friend. That's not me, I'd never do that. But it seems that's what she did. After everything that's happened, how could she come to me and say she has feeling for Lucas? Did she expect me to break up with him so she could have him? Did she want me to say it's ok and go on as if nothing happened? I mean, what the hell was the point of that? You know what it seems? It's seems she was letting me know he was fair game again. And let the best girl win. She knows how much I care about him, she knows how much I hurt already. And my head's a total mess right now, I so didn't need this. Damn it! I forgot my purse there.

Ok… Brooke, just go back there, grab the purse and walk away without even looking at that girl, that's it. Oh, wait, my face's a mess, I don't want her to see I've been crying. So… I enter the house and decide to stop by the bathroom – which is on the way to her room – and just wash my face.

I open the bathroom door and my heart sinks as I see Peyton sitting by the sink, blood dripping from her arm. And the razor on the other hand. Her shirt is stained, there's blood everywhere. I bend next to her.

- Peyton… Peyton, come on, talk to me, what happened? Damn it, why did you have to do that? – I yell, not being able to control the new tears falling from my eyes. But it doesn't seem like she's even listening to me.

- I'm sorry… - that's all she says before passing out.

I'm desperate, I don't know what to do. I shake her.

- Peyton, wake up. Peyton, don't you dare – I yell and cry at the same time. But she's out, she's fainted.

I immediately get my cell phone and call 911. They're coming in a few minutes. Good… but I have to do something before she bleeds to death. I get a towel and pressure over her cuts, trying to stop the bleeding. I don't know what else to do. Is it my fault? What have I done? Did she do that cause of the fight we had? Or maybe she had a lot going on, and that was just the final strike. Why would she do something terrible like this? She wouldn't… Peyton, the Peyton I've known my whole life, she would _never_ do this to herself. I try to keep myself calm, but she's not waking up, she's not even moving and she looks so pale. There's just too much blood on the floor and I can't help thinking I may have been too late. No, I _can't_ be too late. My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the ambulance. I run outside and lead them to where Peyton is. They take her quickly to the ambulance.

I have to go with her. Luckily, they let me go in the ambulance. But as soon as we get to the hospital, they take her inside and ask me to wait in the waiting room. I pace back and forth, not knowing what else to do. I call Lucas' cell phone, but he's not answering. Damn you, Lucas! I need you now. I won't call Haley, I don't wanna ruin her day.

I've been waiting here for almost an hour, and they didn't tell me anything yet. I guess that's a good thing, somehow. Cause if… well, if she was… you know… dead, then someone would've said something by now. I don't know, I'm not even thinking clearly. Sure, I'm mad at Peyton, but I can't lose her now. I don't her to die, I'll never forgive myself if that happens. I just wanna say I don't hate her and… damn it, I love her. I'm mad at her, yeah, but I was so angry I said some things I didn't really mean. Of course I won't be fine if we never speak again. Ten years being friends and… how could I leave things like that?

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of another ambulance coming. And I almost have a heart attack when I see Haley walking out of the ambulance with the doctors. They're with an unconscious Nathan. And they're saying there's another ambulance on its way there, with two more victims. Victims? Of what? What happened? That's just too much. Nathan is taken by the doctors and Haley seems lost. She's crying, she doesn't care everyone's looking, she collapses to the floor, sobbing. I go to her and touch her shoulder, causing her to look at me, confused. She doesn't say anything, just hugs me so tight I can barely breathe.

- Haley… Hales, what are you doing here?

But she just sobs, not able to say a word. I help her up and we sit on the waiting area.

- I'll get you some water, ok?

She still doesn't say a word, just nods. I go get her a glass of water and go back to her. She thanks me quietly.

- So… you're gonna tell me now?

- Rachel and Cooper… there was an accident and their car… it fell down the bridge. Nathan and I… we saw them and he jumped in the river, to try and save them.

Wow! And here I thought they were at their honeymoon right now. I don't really know what to say, except the basic "I'm sorry".

- I just hope they're ok. I can't lose him, Brooke. I just can't.

She starts crying and I hug her again. As she cries on my shoulder, her words keep echoing in my head. "I can't lose him". And I think about Peyton again. It was supposed to be a perfect day for everyone, and now we have four people at the hospital, fighting for their lives.

- Haley James Scott? – one of the doctors approaches us, figuring one of us was Haley. She practically jumps out of my arms – Your husband's awake, he keeps asking to see you.

She sighs so deep, it's obvious how relieved she feels. And then, suddenly she turns to me, as if she just noticed I don't work at the hospital and I didn't know about the accident, so there had to be another reason I'm here.

- I'm sorry, I didn't even think… I was so nervous. Are you alright, Brooke, why are you here?

I try my best to smile so she doesn't worry.

- It's Peyton. She wasn't feeling well, I thought it'd be better to have her checked out.

I wouldn't say what really happened, although that scene wouldn't leave my mind. It was something too serious to be told to anyone, if Peyton felt like it, she'd tell them herself. Right now wasn't the right time. For anyone. And still, Haley looked concerned.

- But she's gonna be ok, isn't she?

- Yeah… don't worry about it. Go take care of Nathan so you two can go and be married and happy – I try my best to sound relaxed, like nothing too serious is going on, but she looks at me again.

- You're sure?

- I'm sure. Now go! – I smile, but I don't think she's buying it. But Nathan's calling for her, she needs to go. So she hugs me quickly and goes inside. And still no news about Peyton. What's taking them so long? And no one will say anything! After what it seems like forever, another doctor comes to me.

- You're with Peyton Sawyer?

- Yeah.

- You're family?

- No, I'm her… she's my best friend.

- I'm sorry, but we need a parent or a legal guardian.

Oh, the nerve of that guy!

- Listen to me! I've been sitting here, worried to death for three freaking hours! Do you see anyone else in this room? Huh? No! And you know why? Her father's somewhere at the Pacific, working, and I have no idea how to reach him. Her mother's dead. Both mothers! – I just raise my hand dismissively – Don't ask! Thing is, she's been my best friend for 10 years, she's like… my sister!

Whoa! Where did _that_ come from?

- Look, I'm really sorry, but I'm not allowed to let you see her.

- Just tell me if she's ok. Is she awake? Please?

- She's awake. And she'll be fine.

- Thank you.

Thank god! She'll be fine… she'll be fine. And soon they'll let me see her and I'll say how sorry I am for what I said, and that I can't lose her. My Peyton. My best friend since… forever! My sister.

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_The first paragraph, in italic, was taken from a song by Nickelback, 'Because of You'._


	3. Close call

**Chapter 3 – Close call**

_Do you remember me?_

_Lost for so long…_

_Will you be on the other side or will you forget me?_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved?_

_Am I too lost?_

Peyton's POV:

- Ms Sawyer? Can you hear me?

I can only nod my head as I hear the distant voice, and open my eyes. I can't believe I did this. And the most stupid thing is… I don't even regret doing it. I did what I had to, so I could get away from… everything! And it felt good. I was free from it all, even if it was just for a few seconds. When you have that many thoughts in your head, constantly bothering you and reminding you how much you screwed up, a few seconds away feel pretty damn good, and can be worth anything. I don't wanna die, I just needed… something, anything, to help me go on. It wasn't about asking for attention either. No one was supposed to have seen me. And then I remember of the person who did see me. Brooke. Why did she come back? Is she still here? I look to both my sides, but I can only see the doctors and a couple of nurses. I don't even know how much time it's been since I passed out. She probably waited for a while, but then had to go. I see the doctors leave the room, one of them comes back a while later.

- Excuse me – damn it, my voice is weak! – is… anyone out there waiting for me?

- Yeah, there's a young girl, brunette, strong temper, yelled at me just now.

I can't help but laugh. That's Brooke alright. I look at the time. More than three hours since we had that fight. She's been waiting in the hospital for three hours?

- Can… can I see her?

- Actually, that's the reason she was yelling at me. I told her only immediate family is allowed.

- But… the only immediate family I have is my father, and he's…

- On a boat somewhere on the Pacific, I know. Your friend told me. Is there a way to contact him?

- Only when he calls or goes online. Look, I really don't wanna be alone here, who knows how long will it take for my father to be contacted, and how long till he gets here? Can't you just let her in? I mean, I should be able do decide, right?

I was getting nervous, and he noticed. Finally he sighed, giving in.

- Usually we don't allow it, but giving your situation… Alright, I'll go get her.

I thank him as he leaves the room. And then I get even more nervous. How am I supposed to act now? She said our friendship was over, and she didn't care anymore. Does she still mean it? I don't have a lot of time to think about it, cause I see her standing at the door, her face red as if she hadn't stopped crying for those three hours I was out. We just look at each other, none of us moving, for what it seems like forever.

- How could you? – I'm surprised at how cold her voice is.

- Brooke, I'm really sorry, I didn't…

- You didn't what, Peyton? You're sorry you didn't die? You're sorry you're still here? You're sorry I went back to your house and found you lying in that pool of blood? – she was screaming, coming in my direction, our eyes filled with tears.

- No! That's not… I never meant to! I didn't want to die! – I reach for her hand, crying. She grabs my arm, the one that's hurt, with bandages, and I wince. She doesn't let go, but keeps looking at it.

- Didn't want to die – she laughs, sarcastically – What happened, then? You tripped and fell over that razor?

I just sigh and turn my head away, not able to face her. She lets go of my arm and lowers her head, we both stay in silence.

- I couldn't be able to handle it… if I lost you. Did you even think about that? Do you even conceive how selfish you were? – her voice was so weak I could barely hear.

- I know… I just didn't think, ok? I didn't know what to do, I was scared, I was alone and… I freaked out. But I swear to you, I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted all the pain to go away.

- Yeah, of course, cause that's much easier than dealing with it – I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I'm still not looking at her direction, so I'm surprised when she takes my hand and holds it – but you better start dealing with it, P. Sawyer, cause there's no way I'm letting you go away.

I did _not_ see that coming. She starts crying and hugs me. I hug her back with all my strength, which is not much, considering I can barely talk.

- I'm _so_ sorry – that's it, I'm sorry for everything, there's no other way to say it, that's why it's the only thing I seem to say since… well, for the last 24 hours, I guess. She pulls away and looks at me.

- What I said before. You know I didn't mean it, right? I was so angry back at your place and I just kept saying things, but I need you in my life. I mean… you're my best friend – she says, between sobs.

- Don't! Brooke, please don't apologize. I'm the one who screwed things up, I just want you to know I'm gonna change, things are gonna change, I won't ever hurt you again, alright? I won't even talk to Lucas anymore…

- Hey… let's just talk about all this later, ok? For now, you just… get better.

- But… do you forgive me?

- Of course I forgive you, Goldilocks. You think a ten-year friendship that has survived two dead moms, three absentee parents, shoplifting, jail time… you think it can't survive this? - she winked at me, repeating what I'd said at Haley and Nathan's wedding. And I knew we'd be ok. I wanted to explain, tell her I didn't want Lucas, that I wished I didn't like him this way. And I fought it, I really did. I wanted to love Jake with all my heart, but there's this little part of it that belongs to Lucas, and as much as I try to get it back, I think it'll always belong to him. But how am I supposed to bring it up again? I won't. When Brooke wants to talk about it, we will. For now, I'm thankful I have my best friend back. I'm not alone anymore.

- Thank you – that's all I can say. That's all I need to say, actually. She wipes the tears from my eyes and smiles.

- Don't ever scare me like that again, alright?

I nod and sigh. I feel tired. Brooke notices that, and gets up.

- I'll let you get some more rest.

- Hey… I know you've already stayed here for too long, but would you mind staying a little longer?

I know she's been here for a long time, but I don't want Brooke to go. When I see the smile on her face, I see she won't bother staying. Just as she's turning back to sit beside me, someone knocks and enters the room.

- Excuse me, Ms. Sawyer. I'm Sarah Lewis, with the Psychiatric Department. I was wondering if we could talk.

Oh, great! Now they think I'm a nut case! I _so_ don't need that right now! I don't need some stranger I've never seen in my life pretending she cares, and pretending she knows how I'm feeling. She doesn't! And right now, as I glare at the woman, I just wanna scream that! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! So stop pretending you do! I don't need you. I need my father, I need my friends, I need the people who really know me, and news flash, you're not one of them, missy!

- Look, can't you come back later? She just woke up, and she's tired – Brooke notices the annoyed look on my face and tries to drive the damn woman away.

- I'm sorry, but I really need to talk to Peyton – she has the fakest smile I have _ever_ seen in my entire life, and she's calling me by my first name like she knows me or something!

Brooke looks at me, questioning what to do. I just shrug and give up, it's not like I have a choice anyway. Brooke smiles softly and leaves the room, gesturing she's gonna be right outside. I smile back, but immediately stop when I turn to the woman, who's now approaching my bed.

- So… how are you feeling?

Ok, I know she's trying to be nice and all, but what kind of question is _that_?

- I'm great – I give her the same fake smile she gave me not long ago. It's not like she's not being nice, or like I should hate her. Actually, I don't know why the woman is making me so annoyed, but the thing is, her presence here makes me angry.

- Look… I know it's hard to talk about it, but what you did was really serious, and you need help – her voice is nicer and softer now, but that doesn't make me like her any more than I did two seconds ago.

- I understand that's the hospital policy or whatever, but I didn't want to… kill myself, alright? I just wanted to… to…

- Feel? Get away from it? Stop all those thoughts in your head?

Alright, maybe she _does_ understand something about it. I gotta give her that. That doesn't mean I'll just babble out my whole life and my problems to her.

- Yeah.

- Peyton, do you know how close you were to actually killing yourself today? – by the look on my face it becomes really obvious I didn't know that, so she just sighs and goes on – if your friend had found you two minutes later, things might've been much worse. I know you're not comfortable talking to me, but I think it'd be better if we put you on suicide watch.

- What? What the hell is that?

- You come to the hospital everyday for the next five days, and you check with me. Just so I know you're alright. You don't have to stay and talk if you don't want to.

- And if I don't come?

- If, in one of these days, you don't show until 6 pm, we'll call you or go to your place.

- Alright… but just for five days, right? Then I'm free from this? – I don't think I really have a choice, at least I do that and those people back off and leave me alone.

She smiles and nods.

- But even after that, it's strongly advised that you see someone, to prevent you from doing it again.

- I'll think about it – never! Of course I don't tell her that last part. I just smile as she leaves the room. Something about this person bothers me. The things she says… and the way she acts, I don't know. You know what? Who the hell is she to tell me what to do? If I wanna do that again, it's not some visit to the hospital that's gonna stop me. And that scares me a little bit. Cause I'm sure it'll happen again. And worst thing is, I don't think of it as a bad thing. Ok, I just figured what bothers me the most about this Sarah person: she's right. Every single word she said, she's absolutely right.

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_**Song:** Tourniquet, by Evanescence_


	4. Scared together

**Chapter 4 – Scared together**

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Brooke's POV:

I said I forgave her. But did I, really? I mean, I know for a fact that I _can't_ lose Peyton, and that I really missed her when we had that fight last year and were barely talking. But right now… I don't know, I wanted to be able to forgive her like that, but I don't think I can. One thing I know is that I'll try. And things will go back to normal. God, I had no idea she felt that way. She's always been… stronger than that. And it seemed there was nothing she couldn't handle. But now she seems just lost. Like she doesn't know what to do anymore. And I can't leave her alone. Not now. When she's better, then we can fight all we want. Or not. Truth is, I feel lost too. What am I supposed to do with this information? So Peyton has feelings for Lucas… Maybe she did try not to have these kinds of feelings for him. I know how much she likes Jake and Jenny. And I can totally see the three of them as a family. Maybe this is just as hard for her as it is for me, and she needed someone to talk to. But couldn't she talk to Haley? Ok, she couldn't, cause Haley's not her best friend, Haley's not the one she goes to when she needs help. I am. And the thought that she wouldn't have done this if I was there… but how could I've known?

My cell phone starts to ring. It's Lucas. Oh, thank goodness!

- Luke! I tried to call you before, where are you?

- I'm home, my mom wasn't feeling very well, I didn't want to leave her alone. Brooke, something's happened…

- I know. Nathan. Cooper and Rachel. I met Haley here at the hospital – oh god! I should go check how Nathan is! But as I turn my head to Peyton's room's door, I realize I can't go anywhere, I can't leave her alone now.

- What? You're at the hospital? You're alright?

- I am. It's just that Peyton wasn't feeling well, I came to make sure she was ok – Alright, I gotta change the subject – Do you know anything about Nathan and the others?

- Haley called a few minutes ago. Nathan's fine, he's still weak, but awake and conscious. Cooper's still unconscious, but stable. But Rachel…

- She _is_ gonna make it, right? – it's not like the girl's my best friend, although I did call her that at the wedding. Of course, that was just one of my ways to get back at Peyton, but still… Anyway, _so_ not the point right now.

- Actually, they don't know yet. She's still in surgery. There was some pretty serious lung damage. But, Brooke, since you're at the hospital, could you check on Haley, see how she's doing?

- I'd do that, but they won't let me in, only immediate family, remember? I mean, it was hard enough to convince them to let me see Peyton.

- What? I thought it was nothing serious!

Damn my huge mouth! Okay, Brooke, just think of something, anything to say!

- And weren't you two not talking? You wouldn't even look at her at the wedding. How did you end up with her at the hospital anyway?

Details! Why does he have to remember every single one of them?

- It's nothing serious, but you know those doctors, they wouldn't allow anyone even if she was being treated for the flu! Lucas, I gotta go now, I'll see you later, ok?

I hung up the phone before he even has the chance to say goodbye. Hey, it's not like I'm proud of this, but I panicked, ok? Too much to deal with in too little time. Alright, first I'll make sure Peyton's ok, then I'll make sure Haley's ok, and that everyone's gonna be fine, then I can call Lucas again.

I hear footsteps coming near the door and figure the woman's leaving, but then they stop and I realize she's just walking around. And then I listen to someone she says: "Peyton, do you know how close you were to actually killing yourself today?" And she says that if I had come a few minutes later, things would've been much worse. I hadn't completely realized how close I've been to losing her. Not until right now. I lean back against wall, right next to her door, and feel the tears falling from my eyes again, for what it seems like the thousandth time today. I don't even know what to think right now. About Lucas and what Peyton said? About Haley and how terrified she must be with Nathan in the hospital? About Rachel? Cooper? Peyton? And on top of everything, there's me. Yeah, me, Brooke. Not that I really care about myself right now, but I have a lot of things in my head, and at some time I'll have to think and worry about hose too. But now's not the time.

The door opens and Sarah leaves. I don't even look at her as she goes. I just look at the door. I can't go back there now, not with that many thoughts in my head and that many tears on my face. I don't move for a while. But then I hear Peyton calling my name. Her voice is low, but it becomes a little nervous the second time she calls me, as if she's thinking I may have left. Alright, gotta go back. I try to clear my face and look, at least, okay. And I gently open the door. To see a teary Peyton. I rush to her and she smiles relieved when she sees me.

- I thought maybe you'd left.

- And miss all this fun, are you kidding me?

She laughs and hugs me. I hug her back, tight, to assure her I'm not going anywhere. I know how much she hates hospitals, I wouldn't leave her alone in one.

- Brooke, were you crying? – she looks at me and notices my teary face.

- Yeah, well, you're crying too – I try to laugh, but she remains serious.

- Brooke, what's going on? You weren't crying when you left.

- It's… a lot of stuff. Don't worry about it now, ok?

- Of course I worry. I won't stop worrying just because I'm in the hospital.

I smile. That's Peyton, that's my friend. But still, it's a sad smile. It gets sad everytime I think about my friends, all those people I love. How can I be okay, knowing basically none of them are?

- I heard what that woman said. That you almost… killed yourself – I speak so quietly, and almost choke at those last words.

- And you saved me… again – she smiles between tears – I just… I'm so scared, Brooke. I'm lost and I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want. And it scares me so much.

She's crying so hard, I don't even know what to say. So I jump on her bed and hold her like a little child.

- I'm scared too. But at least we're gonna be scared together, ok?

She nods, weakly, between sobs, as I stroke her hair. I won't let her do that again. I can't. I've always protected her from everyone else. It won't be different this time. Only now I'll have to protect Peyton from herself.


	5. Let's talk

_AN: Alright, I owe you all a huge apologize for not updating in so long. It's just that things have been crazy in college and I hadn't had time to write, or even think about the story for that matter. So I'm adding this chapter, and I'm working on the next one from my other story, 'That I Would be Good'. I'll probably have it ready by next week. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter and please, review so I know if it completely sucks or if it's at least a little good! _

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**Chapter 5 – Let's talk**

_Everyday I fight a war against the mirror_

_I can't stand the person staring back at me_

_I'm a hazard to myself, don't let me get me_

_I'm my own worst enemy, it's bad when you annoy yourself_

_So irritating, don't wanna be myself no more_

_I wanna be somebody else_

Peyton's POV:

I'm home now. I talked to my dad, but I didn't tell him what happened. And he said he's still gonna be away for a few more weeks, so hopefully he'll never know. He doesn't need this. He has so much in his mind right now, and I don't want him to think it's his fault somehow, or that he's a bad father, cause that's not what it's about. I don't want people to start treating me differently, I don't want them to feel like they have to tip toe around me, with words and actions, like I'm gonna break at the slightest touch. Brooke's been acting like that, but it doesn't bother me when she does this. She's always been a little too overprotective.

After the tough day we had, they finally released me this morning. Brooke stayed with me till visiting hours were over yesterday. She talked to the doctors and yelled at them again, but this time there was no way they let her stay. She called me a couple of times before I fell asleep, and when I told her I was gonna be released she said she'd pick me up and drive me home. I got home, and I was glad to realize my dad was online at the webcam. He mentioned I looked tired, I just told him I'd just woken up and he seems to have believed it.

Brooke's sitting by the bed while I'm grabbing some clothes to take a shower. Her cell phone rings. She picks up and talks softly, maybe she doesn't want me to hear her.

- Hey Boyfriend!

I go take my shower to give her privacy, so she'll feel more comfortable talking to him. God, I need to get away from Lucas. I wish he could just… leave. Ok, I know I'm being totally selfish. Maybe I'm the one who's supposed to leave, and just let the two of them be happy. I really want them to be happy, I do. That's why I didn't even tell her I had feelings for him when they first started dating last year. I take a shower, and then stop and look at the mirror. I can't even recognize myself anymore. I look at my arm. It's still an open wound, I have to put some new bandages. I look at it again. Why does it feel relieving to see it there? It's like all this pain I've been feeling inside, it's finally out there. It's like I can see this pain, I can touch it, I can… express it. I can't even draw anymore, it's not enough. My drawings used to have this amazing power, to make it all go away. Since I was a kid, when I had too much on my mind, when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, I just made it all go away, go out of my head and onto the paper. Not anymore. The only thing that can make it go away is still standing by the sink. I take it in my hands, shaking, and just stare at it. No, I can't do this again. But it's stronger than me. The razor goes near my skin, and just as it's almost touching my other arm, Brooke barges into the bathroom.

- Peyton, what's taking you so long? I just talked to Lucas and… - she stops and just stares at me – oh no, not again – she takes the razor out of my hand so fast it even cuts the tip of her finger. She just cleans it quickly, with her eyes full of tears, and then throws it away.

- You said you wouldn't scare me like that again, Peyton.

I hug her and sob on her shoulders. Pain is just like that. Sometimes it's so sudden, and you have no control over it. It just appears, it just comes, and there's no way you can fight it when you're this weak, when you're feeling so vulnerable there's just no way to stop it. She can't understand that. She tries, but she can't. My dad can't, and certainly that Sarah woman can't too. I wanna give up, I want it all to go away. And what it gets to me the most are the reasons. Or the lack of reasons even. Not that I don't have reasons to be sad, but there are just so many people out there who have nothing, and no one. And here I am, I have my best friend, who hasn't left my side since the hospital, I have my dad who loves me, I have a pretty good life considering everything. But right now I don't want it anymore. I'm tired of it. Just… tired. I fall to the floor, sobbing. Brooke kneels next to me.

- Peyton, talk to me. Please, Peyton – Brooke's voice trails off. I look at her and see the tears on her face too.

But I can't talk. I just continue to cry, I don't think I've cried this hard since my mom died when I was a kid. I cry for her. I cry for Ellie. I cry for Jake and Jenny. For Lucas. For Brooke. I cry for everything that's been on my mind for so long, and I kept inside. Till now.

- I don't know what to do anymore, Brooke.

- Come here – she helps me get up and I lay down in bed, Brooke sitting right next to me.

She doesn't say anything, just looks at me and keeps wiping my tears away as they stubbornly continue to come. I stop crying after a while, and notice her finger's still bleeding a little.

- Sorry about that – I point her finger.

- It's nothing, it'll be okay in no time. And so will you – she smiles.

- You were saying you talked to Lucas… what did he say?

- Look… there's something you need to know. I didn't tell you before cause I wanted to wait at least till you were out of the hospital. There was an accident. With Rachel and Cooper, and then Nathan…

- What? When did that happen? Are they ok? – I'm officially nervous now. How come I didn't even know about it before?

- Calm down. It happened right after the wedding. The car Rachel and Cooper were in, it fell from a bridge, Nathan and Haley were passing by and saw it, Nathan jumped to save them. Nathan's already awake, he's gonna be ok, and so is Cooper. That's what Lucas called me to say, that Cooper woke up and he's gonna make it, and Nathan's going home tomorrow. Rachel's still in ICU, and they still don't know… you know… if she's gonna make it – her voice trails off as she says those last words.

Wow… As her words are absorbed in my mind, I think about how selfish I really was. Rachel's fighting for her life, and here I am, willing to throw it away just like that. I don't really like Rachel, but being a bitch doesn't mean you deserve a car accident. If that were the case, well, Brooke and I would have suffered like a thousand of them already. Plus, Rachel was being nicer lately, it seemed she was changing. And we've already been through so much, with Jimmy and what happened to him and Keith… And Ellie… I don't think any of us could deal with one more death.

- Peyton? – Brooke calls me and pulls me off my thoughts.

- Sorry… I was just… thinking.

- He asked about you too.

- Who? – I ask, but I already know the answer.

- Lucas.

Awkward silence. I know exactly what's on her mind, I can read her like a book, always could. But I don't know what's on _my_ head. I don't know what to think or say. So I just turn this conversation around and make it about me and what I did.

- What did you say?

- I said you had food poisoning on the wedding.

I can't help but burst out laughing. Brooke laughs too. God, the guy must think that I was going to the bathroom all those times I wanted to be alone and left the room at the reception! Only Brooke could say something like that.

- And then he asked me why I didn't want him to talk to you – she becomes serious again and lowers her head.

- Brooke, we don't have to talk about this if you don't…

- No, we do, Peyton. I don't understand why you told me that, and what you expect me to do. And I really don't wanna be mad at you, but… we need to talk, and you know that.


	6. Reach you

AN: I have the best reviewers ever! Thank you so much you guys, I'm so gald you're enjoying reading the story as much as I'm enjoying writing it! Oh, and about my other story 'That I Would be Good', I'm really sorry I haven't updated it yet, but I wanted to focus on this chapter these last days! I'll work on it as soon as possible, promise!

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Reach you**

_So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk  
And you feel like you're going where you've been before  
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored  
Nothing's really making any sense at all  
Let's talk, let's talk  
Let's talk, let's talk_

Brooke's POV:

Peyton seems so scared as I say the words. But we _do_ need to talk, I need to know the truth. About the kiss on the library, about her feelings for Lucas, about the reason she told me about it. God, just thinking about it makes me so angry! It doesn't matter. I still didn't give Peyton a chance to explain things, I guess she deserves at least that. I wanna know, I _need_ to know.

- What did you tell him? – Peyton suddenly breaks the uncomfortable silence.

- About what? – I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't even know what she's talking about anymore.

- The reason you don't want him to talk to me.

- Nothing. I told him we'd talk about it later – I look straight into her eyes. Alright, I'll just get this over with – He told me you kissed him on the library the day you were shot.

I don't even recognize the tone in my voice. It's cold, but fearful at the same time. I'm terrified of the answer. And of course Peyton knows that.

- I thought I was gonna die – she lowers her head – I'd lost a lot of blood already and… I didn't want to die without telling him that…

- That you love him! – I interrupt. That's it, I thought I could handle this, but I just… can't. I start to walk towards the door, but Peyton grabs my arm, and, when she does, I see her cut. She hides it quickly.

- Brooke, please, can you just listen to me? Yes, I told him I love him. Cause I do love him. He's been a good friend, he's been there for me, just like you have. After you, he's my best friend. That's what I meant. We talked after that, and I told him that. And the kiss… I don't know why I kissed him, ok? I wasn't even thinking straight. I guess I wanted to thank him for saving me, and… it was kind of a goodbye kiss.

I don't look at her, just stay up right next to her, facing the door. God, I wanna get the hell away from here right now! Truth is, since I found out about the two of them last year, I've never been sure, I've never felt… secure anymore. And I used to be so sure of myself before I met Lucas. Cause I never let any guy in. Damn it, he was the first guy I gave my heart to completely. He knew that. Peyton knew that. And I forgave them, I let them both back in, but every time I see them talking or laughing I feel this knot on my stomach. I feel threatened by this connection they have, it seems they understand each other in a way I'll never be able to. That's what hurts the most. It's seems I'm always looking behind my back, waiting for something to happen again. I can't trust my best friend, I can't trust the only guy I ever loved. I love them both so much, but as much as I try, and as much as they assure me it's not gonna happen again, sometimes it feels like they want it to happen, that the only reason they're not together is because of me. I think I deserve better than that, don't I? I love them for worrying about me, but I want Lucas to want me, I want Lucas to need me in his life the way I need him in mine. I don't want him to have to settle with me just because he can't have her.

- Brooke, stop it! – Peyton says, making me turn and face her – He loves you, ok? He's crazy about you.

Peyton can be creepy like that sometimes. I swear to god the girl can read my mind. I mean, _really_ read my mind. Oh god, what if she knows I just thought that? That smile on her face… she knows! She takes my hand and makes me sit beside her.

- We talked. I said I didn't want to do that again, and that kiss, it wasn't a romantic thing. You know what he said?

- Do I wanna know?

- Brooke, he said he's madly and completely in love with you. He can't even think about anyone else. And I know you love him just as much, if not more. Do you really think I would hurt you like that again?

- Then why, Peyton? I need to know, what did you expect from me when you told me you have feelings for him? Why would you even tell me that?

- Cause I'm lost! Ok Brooke? I've tried so hard to get over Lucas, and I love Jake so much! But I just… if I didn't say anything, I'd feel like I'd be betraying you again. And trust me, that's the last thing I want.

- You have any idea what it's like… being afraid all the damn time, Peyton? Afraid of hurting like that again? Actually, hurting worse than that, cause now I love him even more. And when you came to me and said you have feelings for him, it opened all those wounds again. And I'm just… I'm so tired. I can't deal with this anymore.

- There's nothing to deal with, I promise you.

- You still didn't explain. You wanna be with Lucas?

- No! I mean, I won't.

- So you want to.

- I'm a mess right now. I love Jake so much, I really do. That's why these feelings for Lucas are so messed up. I swear, Brooke, it's not my fault. I don't wanna feel this way, and it doesn't even matter, cause I'll never do anything about it. It dies here.

I sigh heavily. She's wrong. It doesn't end here, and it'll never end until we put this out in the open. That's why I wanted to talk to her. And since she told me how she feels, I've been struggling with myself. I know what I have to do, but knowing is one thing, havng the guts to actually do it… that's the problem.

- I believe you – I say quietly, facing down – But… where do we go from here? We both know it's not gonna be over just cause we want it to.

Peyton is way too quiet. Well, actually, both of us are. I thought we would be pulling each other's hair by now, I thought I'd be wanting to punch her this time, but I'm not. I'm feeling anything but anger right now. It's the first time we're talking about this openly, the first time she's talking about her feelings for Lucas. And it's pretty damn good if you ask me. Cause as I look into her eyes, I know she means what she's saying. I know she didn't mean to hurt me again. And I know her feelings for Lucas are unwanted. I see how lost she is, I wonder if she can see I'm almost just as lost as her.

- There's one more thing – she breaks the silence again.

- Ok, now you're scaring me. Next thing you're gonna tell me you're pregnant with Lucas' child!

She lets out a laugh between the tears, and rolls her eyes, shaking her head.

- It's not about Lucas, it's about Jake. I… kind of asked him to marry me.

- You, you… you asked him… what are you talking about?

What am I supposed to do, say 'congratulations'? Or maybe slap her again for not telling me before!

- Well I… I better be the maid of honor! – there it is, I knew I could get her to laugh one more time! – What did he say?

- See… that's the thing. I was asleep one night and he heard me say "I love you, Lucas". Please, don't be mad again! I told him about the day I got shot, and what happened. I told him I wanted to be with him, I wanted us to be a family. And then he said I needed to figure things out. I needed to come back and deal with those feelings. Brooke, all the way back I thought about it, and the first thing I did when I realized it was telling you. It just seemed like the right thing to do, you're my best friend and I… I just said it. Maybe it was a mistake, but…

- But now it's already done – I cut her off and she just nods, still not facing me – Are you planning on telling Lucas?

- No! – she immediately looks at me – No, Brooke, I'd never do that.

- Cause I think you should.

- What?

- I told you I'm tired of these insecurities, Peyton, I really am. I love him so much, and I can't imagine losing him. But I need to know he feels the same. He says he wants to be with me, but what if he changes his mind when he finds out how you feel? I want him to be with me, but not as a second choice. You know, every time I'm with him I ask myself that. And I want it to stop.

- Brooke, look at me and pay attention. He loves you. He's so in love with you. When he was with Anna and he broke up with her, he wanted you. He didn't come to me, did he? He's always been there for me, but as a friend. And he fought for you, so much. How can you not see it?

- It's simple. I can't see it, cause as long as I don't, I can be ready for anything. What I mean is… if I choose to believe all those things, I'll be vulnerable again. Even more than I already am. And if I get my heart broken again, I won't be able to take it.

- Then it's not about telling him how I feel and knowing for sure he loves you, it's about you being ready to accept it.

- Ok, am I at the shrink or something?

Here's the thing, I hate to admit it, but she's right. And Lucas was right too, at the wedding, when he said I've been pushing him away. I'm not really pushing him away, I'm just trying to protect myself. Cause if I expect something to happen and not trust him completely, then maybe it won't hurt as much if it ever happens again.

- Brooke, I'm serious.

- Not only that. You're also right. You're not the only one who's a mess, you know?

- I noticed – Peyton says that and puts her hand on her head.

- Peyton, is everything ok?

- I just… I'm feeling a little dizzy – she lays down, she looks a little pale.

- You haven't eaten anything since the hospital, and you're still weak. I'll go get you something.

I go to the kitchen and try to find something decent for us to eat. I grab some fruit, milk, juice and toast and go back to Peyton's room. She's really pale, and tries to get up when she sees me coming in.

- Nop! You sit! Stay in bed, you don't look so good. You're still weak, Peyton, you shouldn't be out of bed.

- I just feel a little dizziness, I'm good.

Right, she says she's good, but the girl's not even opening her eyes while she says that. So I get some toasts and orange juice and take them to her, already eating a couple of them myself. I touch her shoulder lightly, causing her to open her eyes.

- Come on, eat something.

I look at her, worried. For a moment during our talk I almost forget what she did, and that she just got out of the hospital. I sit next to her, she grabs a toast and when she gets the glass of juice, it seems she's not even strong enough to hold it, so I take it back. She looks a little scared at her weakness too.

- It's ok, you just have to eat and you'll feel better – I tell her, reassuringly.

- Brooke…

Her voice, it's so… broken. Her eyes are filled with tears, as are mine. I just look at her, as if telling her to go on.

- I really am sorry.

- I know you are. Just worry about getting better now, ok? – I stroke her hair, putting some of it behind her ear.

- Are we ok?

- We will be, P. Sawyer – I nod and smile at her.

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_So... what did you guys think? I hope it wasn't too boring. I just thought 'the talk' deserved a whole chapter. I basically put all my thoughts of what happened between Peyton and Lucas, and how she must feel about it, and I'm really looking forward to some feedback from you guys! I'll probably start showing more of the other characters as from next chapter. Please tell me what you thought, ok? I hope I didn't disappoint you with their talk! _

_Oh, and I forgot to credit the song I posted on the begining of the last chapter, it was **Don't Let me Get me**, by Pink. And this chapter's song was **Talk**, by Coldplay!_


	7. Keep breathing

_Here's the next chapter! I tried to write something in Haley's POV but I don't think I could really get in character. For some reason it's a lot easier for me to write in Brooke and Peyton's point of view, I guess I understand the characters better. I hope you like it anyway. I'll probably be able to update more often these next couple of weeks, so I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some feedback so I can improve the story. Oh, and I also wanted to say a huge THANKS to Alison (the only sweet catastrophe) for, you know, everything! And btw I'm still waiting for an update of Dreamland! Alright, let's stop with the babbling here and go on with the story. I'm not too satisfied with this chapter, but I wanted to update so... here it goes! Please review!_

**Chapter 7 – Keep breathing**

_I won't be the one who's going to let you down_

_Maybe you'll get what you want this time around_

_I won't be the one who's going to let you down_

Haley's POV:

- I'm sorry, but your husband needs a lot of rest right now. You can come first thing in the morning tomorrow, and take him home, alright?

I really don't like doctors. I mean, they talk to you like they're talking to a toddler! Like you won't understand anything unless they talk like that. And well, I also think they still didn't get used to the idea that Nathan's my husband. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. Except when Lucas was in that car accident last year. It's just so terrible to see someone you love that much just… lying in a bed, hurt, and there's nothing, absolutely _nothing_ you can do but look and hope they get better. So I don't think I have a choice. I'll just go home and come back here in the morning.

I stop by Rachel's room before I leave, she's not even breathing by herself, I just stay there and look at her. I don't even know Rachel. Only thing I know is that Brooke's had some problems with her, but still... No one's even here for her. So I feel like I should at least say something.

- Hey… Rachel, it's Haley. I guess you can't really listen to me, can you? I just hope you know we're all here for you, ok? I don't really know what happened, but… we've all lost too much already this year, so don't leave us too, ok? I'll miss seeing you and Brooke on each other's throats in school…

I laugh softly. And then I feel stupid. What am I saying? If Rachel was awake right now, she'd probably tell me to get lost.

- Alright, you're probably hoping I'll just stop babbling here and just leave, so… I'll just go.

I leave the room and, before I close the door, I look back one more time. Gosh, I just hope everything turns out ok. I'm just too tired. After the day I had, I can barely think. I feel like crying, but I can't anymore. Things could've been worse, right? I guess… Ok Haley, stop it. I just need to get out of this hospital for a while. The doctors are right. I haven't left this place since yesterday, I should get some rest so I won't have to stay here tomorrow when Nathan's leaving. Just as I'm passing by the waiting room, I see Lucas there. I go to him and hug him before he can say anything.

- I'm sorry I haven't been here, Hales. My mom's… going through some stuff and I didn't want her to be alone. She was pretty shaken up by this whole thing.

- But she's ok, right? – I ask him, still resting my head on his shoulder.

- Yeah, don't worry – he says as he strokes my hair. And then he pulls away and looks at me – I just came to check on you, really. I wanted to see Nathan, but the doctors said I shouldn't…

- They… they think he needs some rest… so when he goes home tomorrow he'll be… ok – damn it, I'm starting to cry again.

- Hey… come here – Lucas hugs me again – You've seen him, you even talked to him. You know he's ok. And he'll be home tomorrow.

- I know… I know… it's just… scary. Can you… just take me home?

He looks at me and smiles, putting his arms around my shoulders.

- Sure, Buddy. But… are you sure you'll be ok by yourself? You could go with me and sleep over my house tonight.

- No Luke, it's ok. Thank you, but it's fine really. But I was actually wanting to stop by Peyton's and see if she's ok. I've checked with the nurses and they won't tell me what happened, they just said she was released this morning.

- I talked to Brooke a couple of hours ago, she said Peyton had food poisoning at the wedding and wasn't feeling well.

- And you believed her?

- Of course I didn't, but she wouldn't talk to me right now. She said we'd talk later. I don't think I'd be much help right now, but you could stop by and see how they're doing. And then maybe… tell me later – he had this smile on his face.

That's just like Lucas. He wants me to go and spy and find out what's going on so I can tell him later. I'm worried about them too, when I saw Brooke here at hospital, there was something serious going on, and it wasn't food poisoning.

- Sorry Hales. I know you're tired and probably just wanna get some sleep, so I'll just take you home and we'll find out what's going on tomorrow, ok?

- No… I think I should go there. It's not that late yet and I'll just see if they need anything and then I'll go home. I couldn't sleep right now anyway, even if I wanted to.

Brooke's POV:

Peyton ate like two little toasts before she fell asleep. Well, if you can call that fall asleep. She basically passed out again. I was terrified at first, but then I shook her a little and she started complaining I wouldn't let her sleep, so I guessed she was ok. I cover her with her blanket and walk to her front porch. God, I wanted to see Lucas right now. Specially everything Peyton and I talked about, I just… I really need to see him. I hate him! He has this power to make me feel like the most insecure person in the world. Ok, I don't hate him, I love him. But I hate… well, these things he makes me feel. I sit by the porch and let out this huge sigh. And then I think I hear something, maybe it's Peyton. I go back to her room, but she's still fast asleep. Well, after the last couple of days she had, she must be exhausted. I know I am, but there's no way I can fall asleep. Not when I can't even choose what to think, cause everything seems to be coming into my mind at the same time. It's like all the thoughts are screaming inside my mind and there's no way to turn the volume down! I take a shower and see the razor on the trash. I still can't believe Peyton really did this. Hopefully it was just a one time thing. She was scared, and alone, I mean, it's not like she wants to die, right? Either way, I look around the bathroom but can't find any more razors there. So at least she's safe for now. I go back to the room and sit on the floor, leaning against the bed and closing my eyes for a moment. Then I hear a soft knock on the door.

- Hey – I smile, surprised to see Haley there.

- Hey… I just… wanted to check on you and Peyton. Lucas said you've been here since she was released from the hospital this morning – she sits right beside me, talking quietly. Although she probably noticed we could scream from one corner of the room to another and Peyton still wouldn't wake up.

- Yeah… I didn't want her to be alone. So… why aren't you with Nathan?

- They wouldn't let me stay with him again, so I decided to get out of that hospital for a while.

I just nod and look at nowhere.

- Brooke, what's going on?

- She wasn't feeling well after the wedding so…

- Brooke… - she cuts me before I can tell this story one more time. Which is actually a good thing, cause I'm getting kind of tired of telling this lie. Then Haley looks at me with that concerned face. That's just who she is. Even when we weren't really good friends, I could see it, she'd always be there if anyone needed her. And she's been a really good friend, even with everything that was going on in her life, she could always find the time to listen and help. Just like she's doing right now. But she doesn't need this right now. She's got enough problems without me dumping my own stuff on her.

- Peyton's in really bad shape. She's just… lost, and I can't find a way to bring her back. She's my best friend, I was supposed to have figured it out earlier, before she… - and here comes my big mouth again. I stop and don't say another word. Lucky for me, neither does Haley. She knows I was gonna say something else, but she just listens. Cause she knows that's all I need right now – I'm tired, that's all – I sigh as I bring my knees closer to my chest, resting my head on them.

- I came here cause I was worried about Peyton. But also about you. Brooke, what I saw at the hospital wasn't just someone who was worried about a friend. And if you don't wanna talk about it, that's ok. But if you do, you can talk to me. I don't want you to feel like telling me stuff would be a burden for me, cause it's not. I just wanna help.

- Thanks – I lean my head to the side, resting it on her shoulder – You're already helping.

- How do you do it?

I put my head up and look at her, a little confused. Was I supposed to understand that question? And then she asks it more clearly.

- How do you keep yourself so strong?

I can help but chuckle at her question. If she'd seen me before she wouldn't say I'm that strong.

- I'm not… you just haven't seen me falling apart yet, that's all.

- Exactly. You saw me at the hospital, I was desperate, and I didn't even think if people were looking at me, cause there was no point. I wouldn't be able to control it anyway. But somehow you manage to keep calm, like you _know_ things will be fine.

- Trust me… right now, I really don't know anything. I can't even tell myself things are gonna be alright, let alone try to convince anybody.

- And yet, somehow, you do it. I wish I had that kind of strength.

- It's not called strength, Hales… It's called fear. Fear to admit things may not be ok or fear that people notice how terrified I am. Too terrified to think about my problems, so I just hide from them and pretend to be strong.

God, I have to tell someone. I couldn't tell Peyton, not after she almost fainted and with everything that's been going on with her. But I can't do this alone, and if anyone has to know, there's no better person than this girl who's sitting right beside me.

- I'm pregnant – I blurt it out, and can't even look at Haley after I say that. I feel a couple of tears falling down my face.

- Gosh, Brooke… are you sure?

I just nod my head and wipe away the tears.

- Does Lucas know?

This time I shake my head. And bite my lips, trying not to cry harder. Haley hugs me and I let the tears fall.

- I'm scared.

- I know you are. I'd be scared too. But you have to know I'll help you. Whatever you decide to do, I'll be here. And so will Lucas, you know that.

I don't have the strength to say anything else. No, I don't know. I'm not sure Lucas will be by my side. I know he said he would be before, but it just seems so much has changed since then. And this whole thing with Peyton, that's why it got me so mad. Cause all I could think of was that he might love her and want to be with her, and I'd be left alone, with a baby! And I'm so scared to tell Lucas. We're finally getting things back on track, and this… what if it just messes things up again? I can't think anymore. I'm exhausted. And I look at Haley, I see she's probably as tired as I am. I'm still crying on her shoulder. So I pull away and she gives me a weak smile.

- Don't try to figure things out all at once, Brooke. It's a lot to process, so before you do or say anything, just try to get some rest, do one thing at a time. And anytime you wanna talk, I'll listen.

- I know you will. You already helped so much just by being here right now…

She looks at her clock and then back at me.

- It's getting late, I still wanna get some stuff ready at the apartment, before I go get Nathan tomorrow. Will you be ok?

- Yeah. I'll try to get some sleep… you need a ride?

- No, thanks… I'll just walk, a lot to think about, you know?

I nod and we say goodbye. I check on Peyton again, she seems to be ok. So I just lay down too, hoping I'll be able to fall asleep before I start reliving this whole day on my mind.

_Chapter title and the verses in italic are a part of Garbage's song 'The Trick Is To Keep Breathing'_


	8. Nothing left

_I wrote this chapter more for my own sake than for the story's! So that's why nothing really exciting happens, I just wanted to get this out of my mind. I already got a lot of the next chapter in my head, and I don't think it's gonna take too long for me to write it and update. But first I wanna write one more chapter of That I Would Be Good. Anyway, I wanna thank everyone who's been reviewing, it means a lot, really! I hope you like this chapter and don't find it too boring!_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter 8 – Nothing left**

_Any day it'll all be over_

_Any day there's nothing new_

_And I just try to find some hope_

_To try to hold onto_

Peyton's POV:

I guess I must've dozed off after I ate, cause I can't remember much else. Wow! I can't believe we finally talked about everything. It was good getting this out in the open, and I think now Brooke can understand things a little better. Understand that I'd never hurt her again. But there's also something else. Something Brooke's not telling me. I know why I'm so lost. I mean, I can't bring myself to think of everything right now, but I know. But why is she? She didn't really say it, but she's so far from ok right now that I'm beginning to think she needs help more than I do. It can't be just about this whole Lucas thing. I look at the clock… it's like 9am. Man, I've been sleeping for like… 12 hours? I look to the other side and smile. Brooke's still there, asleep. God, I've been putting her through a lot. She hasn't even left my house since yesterday. I try to get up but I feel that dizziness again. Damn it! I don't remember anyone telling me I might feel like this. How did things get so messed up? I mean, two weeks ago I was with Jake, and Jenny, and we were making all these plans and things seemed simple again, somehow. And now I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm not even sure I wanna be here. There's nothing much for me to do, since I can't even get up, so I just sigh and look at the ceiling, trying to silence any thought that might want to come into my head. I'm sick of them. So I look beside me and there's my salvation! My iPod is right there. Some music is all I need right now.

_Everyday I sit here waiting_

_Everyday just seems so long _

_And now I've had enough of all the hating _

_Do we even care, it's so unfair _

_Any day it'll all be over _

_Any day there's nothing new _

_And I just try to find some hope _

_To try to hold onto _

_Then it starts again _

_It'll never end_

It's like this damn iPod knows exactly what's happening to me every single time, cause every time I put it in shuffle mode, it comes with the perfect songs for the moment. See, that's one thing I love about music: they help you figure things out. There are some things you don't even know you're feeling, not until someone explains them to you in a song. And then you listen to it, and the lyrics, the melodies, it all comes together and you can finally understand yourself better. It doesn't solve your problems, but at least it makes them go away for like 5 minutes, and for those few minutes, you don't feel so alone cause you know somewhere out there, someone else is feeling the same.

_I'm heavily broken _

_And I don't know what to do _

_Can't you see that I'm choking _

_And I can't even move _

_When there's nothing left to say _

_What can you do _

_I'm heavily broken _

_And there's nothing I can do_

I keep listening to it... and suddenly I wish I could be far away from here. Or nowhere. I don't think it really matters where I am, this whole thing's just gonna follow me wherever I go. I thought going to Savannah would set me free from all the drama in Tree Hill. And maybe I would see Jake and put completely and 100 aside all the remaining feelings I might have for Lucas. But no… they follow you. For a moment it seems like going somewhere or doing something different is gonna change everything, it's gonna magically fix everything up for you, so you won't have to deal. But noooo, it's not that easy. I guess I'm learning it the hard way. So what's the lesson we learn? Things suck, no matter where you are or how much you run from your problems, they'll always find you. So there's no choice but to face them. And look how well that's turned out for me. What are you supposed to do when there's just no reasonable solution for your problem? Cause honestly, everyone likes to say: just face them, don't run away cause it'll only make them worse. But not one soul seems to have the answer to this: what if there's just no solution? Then what are we supposed to do? Can someone really blame me for wanting to feel better, no matter the cost?

_Almost giving up on trying _

_Almost heading for a fall _

_And now my mind is screaming out_

_I've gotta keep on fighting _

_But then it starts again _

_It'll never end_

Does it ever end? Maybe it won't, unless I put an end to it all. I guess that's what I wanted to do yesterday, and well… I guess going to the hospital and freaking your best friend out means you're not doing so well on the whole 'putting an end to it' thing. Instead of ending, I started something. And I'm not sure I wanna stop. And all of that reminds me of Sarah… something. That woman from the hospital. I'm supposed to go there today and tomorrow and the day after that and then two more days and look at her and say: hey, I'm here, still alive, can I go back home? I really don't feel like seeing her. But I guess I could just get this over with. And while I'm at the hospital, I might as well ask someone about this weakness I've been feeling, and how long is this damn thing supposed to last. Or! I could just call and say I can't even get out of bed… but then they might send someone over here. And that's probably not the best idea. Cause if someone sees an ambulance or a car from the hospital, or a doctor entering this house, then it's just gonna be a matter of time till the whole town finds out what happened. No way, I'll just go there. It's not like I have to stay and chat, I'll just make an appearance and get the hell away from that place.

Brooke starts mumbling something and opens her eyes, yawning. She turns around, facing me.

- Hey – she says one word, and I can't really tell if she's sad, or concerned, or maybe a little angry.

But knowing her like I do, she's probably all of those things. I smile softly. She still tired, she mustn't have had a lot of sleep.

- I was getting worried, you slept for a really long time.

I'm still quiet, I'm not sure why. I just don't know what to say. I've said too much already, right now I just wanted to ask her what's causing this fear I see in her eyes.

- Haley stopped by yesterday. She… she saw me at the hospital, she knew I was with you there, so she wanted to see if you were ok. I told her it was nothing serious, but of course she could totally see I was lying. But don't worry, she didn't even ask anything. You'd probably have heard us, but it was like you were in a coma or something, which I actually considered at first, but then…

Brooke's babbling, of course. She's the queen of babbling. Usually I would've stopped her by now, but I'm just… numb. It's like I'm not even awake, I don't think there's a way to explain it. I just woke up and I can't wait for this day to be over. Is it gonna be like this everyday now? I feel like there's no point in getting up and eating and talking… it's all just a big waste of time.

_I'm heavily broken_

_And I don't know what to do_

_Can't you see that I'm chocking?_

_And I can't even move_

- Peyton… Peyton, you're scaring me.

- Sorry – I answer, almost automatically.

- What's happening to you? It's like you're a different person.

- Maybe… people change, right?

I can see how worried she is, and after I answer so dryly, I immediately regret it. It's almost like… like I'm mad at her. But that doesn't make any sense, does it? Why would I be mad at the one person who's been by my side since I was a kid? The person who saved me, and is doing everything she can for me to get better. Is that the reason? Maybe I didn't want to be saved, maybe I'd be better if she hadn't found me, maybe I'd be somewhere else, I'd be free from the pain and anxiety, and maybe… just maybe… I don't even want to get better. It seems so much easier this way.

- Are you mad at me?

See… that's the thing when you've been best friends with someone for 10 years. They know what's in your head. Ok, maybe not everything, but after all this time I'm starting to feel like we don't even have to open our mouths and say anything to each other anymore. All we need is a look. And right now my look says: 'guilty as a murderer caught in the crime scene'.

- I can't believe it – she suddenly sits up, nervous.

- Brooke, I'm not mad at you, why would I be?

- You tell me.

- I just… wanna be alone.

- Right… you really think I'm gonna leave this house and leave you alone? You can barely stand up! And I'm not leaving you here so you can go and hurt yourself again, so you'll have to bear with me here.

- Unbelievable! It's my house, my own room and I don't even have the right to be alone.

- Well, cry me a river! I'm not leaving.

Brooke simply crosses her arms and keeps staring at me, as if she was waiting for me to protest some more. But I just sigh and close my eyes for a moment. It's probably for the best, or at least I think it is. I know exactly why I wanna be alone, and why I want her to leave. Cause when I'm alone, then there'll be no one telling me what I should or should not do, and that this is not the way to deal with things and that I'm stronger than this. It's nothing but bullshit, and I'm sick of it. So I get up too fast for my own good, of course I was planning to go to the bathroom, but I feel this huge head rush before I can even stand up, and before I fall to the ground, Brooke grabs my arms and I sit back in back. We just stay in silence for a long time.

_When there's nothing left to say _

_What can you do? _

_I'm heavily broken _

_And there's nothing I can do_

_And there's nothing I can do_

It's been like 3 hours and I can finally get up and walk around the house. Brooke and I have some lunch and then she calls Haley to see how she's doing, and if Nathan's already home. We decide to stop by their place later. For some reason Brooke thinks it's a great idea to get me out of the house. Lucas' called her like three times, and she keeps saying anything and hanging up on him. Like she's afraid of something. Of having a real conversation with him.

- Will you ever tell me what's going on? – I ask her after she hangs up on him for the third time.

- I told you, I can't deal with him right now.

- Yeah, and there's a reason for that. And I know it's not just because of what we talked about yesterday. Are you telling me the truth now?

- Why should I? You're not!

Damn it! How can I answer to that when she's absolutely right?

- I… I think I should go to the hospital.

- What? Why? You don't feel good? – Brooke immediately changes her expression from angry to concerned.

- No, it's just… Sarah asked me to go there for the next 5 days, just for her to check on me or… whatever. So I was thinking I could go as soon as possible so I'll be free from it, at least for today.

- Okay… I'll go with you then.

- No… Brooke – I face Brooke and stop her before she gets up – You've been here since I got out of the hospital. Please, go see Lucas, or just go out for a while, you deserve a break from this.

- But you…

- I'll be fine. I promise – _well, here's a promise I won't be able to keep_ – What do you say I go to the hospital, and I'll meet you later at Haley and Nathan's apartment?

- Fine… but I'll drive you to the hospital, and that – she makes it pretty clear – is not a negotiation.

We get changed and a few minutes later the car's stopped by the hospital. I start to leave the car, but Brooke grabs my hand.

- Peyton… are you sure you'll be ok by yourself? – I nod and she gives me a hug – I love you.

- Thanks for everything. I'll see you later at Haley's place, alright? – I try to sound calm as I leave the car. I hate to worry her like that, or anyone for that matter.

I go into the hospital and ask for Sarah Lewis, they tell me to go to the second floor and find the first room at the right, on the corridor. I knock on the door.

- Come in – I hear a voice from inside.

I open it and, as soon as she sees me, she gives me that smile that annoys me so much, and signs for me to enter and sit down.

- Peyton, right?

- Yup.

- I'm glad you came.

- Well, it's not like I had a choice, is it?

- So how are you doing?

- I thought I was just supposed to come and tell you I'm here, so… I came, I'm here, can I go now?

- You're thinking about doing that again, aren't you? Cause now that you're out of the hospital things are the same as always, and you realized you're just as lost as you were before. Only now you have a way out.

I totally _hate_ the way that woman talks like she knows everything I'm thinking and feeling. Sure, she actually _does_ know everything, which is kinda scary.

- I'm fine. Actually, the only thing I wanna ask you about is this weakness I've been feeling. I thought I was ok when you people released me – I emphasize the 'you people' part.

- You haven't been feeling ok?

- Just a little weak. Last night and… when I woke up this morning, I could barely get out of bed.

- You need a lot of rest right now. Have you had any stressful events since you left the hospital?

Other than having one of the hardest conversations I've ever had? Not really.

- There might have been… some stuff. _Personal_ stuff.

- I get it. Well, whatever it was, just push it forward for a while, alright? Right now you only have to focus on getting better.

- Right! Easier said than done – I roll my eyes. She talks like I have the flu and all I gotta do is take the medication and it'll go away.

- Look Peyton, right now I can tell that you're not okay. And it's hard to reach out and ask for help, but you know you need it. And I think I can help you, but you have to let me. You lost people in your life, you've been feeling alone, and the worst thing is, you can't find another way to express it or let it out, so you hurt yourself.

- I've only done it once, ok?

- But you'll do it again, won't you?

- No… - I answer her, just as convincing as Brooke was when she told me she was ok – Look… you just told me I can't get nervous or stressed, so I'd stop with this conversation if I were you, cause I really don't feel like spending another night in this hospital.

- Ok… you're not ready to talk about it yet. I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah, whatever.

I storm out, away from her, and stop by the waiting area on the first floor. I sit on one of the chairs, putting my head in my hands and trying to stay calm and just forget it all, as I start to cry again.

_Feels like I'm drowning _

_I'm screaming for air _

_Louder I'm crying _

_And you don't even care _

That's it, this has got to stop! I can't stand crying anymore and being weak in front of everybody. I should just go home. I get to my room and go straight to the computer, trying to get distracted. But as I'm going through my stuff, I find this picture of Jake and Lucas, and another one of me with Jenny. That's when I realize it's not gonna stop. I can't find a way to make it stop. I'm not thinking anymore. I go to my dad's room and look for another razor. There it is. It's so much faster this time, and before I know it, I'm cutting myself again.

_I'm heavily broken _

_And I don't know what to do _

_Can't you see that I'm choking? _

_And I can't even move _

_When there's nothing left to say _

_What can you do? _

_I'm heavily broken_

_And there's nothing I can do_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------_

The parts in italic are the lyrics of Heavily Broken, by The Veronicas.


	9. Walk away

**Chapter 9 – Walk away**

_You were always reaching in_

_Looking for somewhere to go_

_Nobody needs to find out_

_Nobody needs to know what you know_

Brooke's POV:

Peyton leaves my car and I watch as she goes into the hospital. I keep looking, afraid she's gonna pass out or something, but she seems ok, and soon she's inside and I can't see her anymore. I sigh heavily, I wanna go and make sure everything's ok, but she wants to do this on her own, so I should respect that. I drive to Haley and Nathan's place. Haley's outside, sitting on the stairs with a cup of coffee on her hands, looking a little distracted. She sees me coming and smiles, I sit next to her.

- Everything ok?

- Yeah… yeah, it is, I'm just… well, a lot of things happened since the wedding, I guess I'm just waiting for it all to sink in, you know? – she answers.

- I know…

- How about you? Have you thought about things? Talked to Lucas?

- No… I can't tell him, Haley. Last time, he was so freaked out… we're not ready for this.

- What do you mean? – Haley suddenly looks at me, scared. I guess she thinks I'm gonna have an abortion or something. God, no! I wouldn't, I can't. We're not ready, but we're gonna have to be. This baby's already a part of me, and I can't just… kill it. No way.

- No… I won't… do anything. I just meant that, god, it's gonna be so hard.

- Hey… Brooke, you know I'm here right? And you'll have Lucas too.

Will I? This is just too hard. I'm not even sure he wants to be with me. And sometimes it feels like the two of us… it just doesn't work. I wanna be sure of all these things before I tell him. I need to know how he feels about me, and about Peyton, cause if he knows there's a baby, it'll be like I'm trapping him into this, and if I have to have him this way, then I'd rather not having him at all.

- Brooke… - Haley calls me softly – Let's just get inside, ok?

I nod and we go. Haley tells me Nathan's asleep, he was feeling a little tired since he was released, but when we get inside, he's at the kitchen, having some coffee too.

- Hey Nate – I smile and he smiles back – Good to see you awake. You feeling ok?

- Yeah, thanks Brooke. Doctors said it wasn't anything serious, just some bruises. Rachel's the one I'm worried about.

- She's not awake yet?

- No… she's stable but, you never know with these things. Her parents aren't even there, I feel bad for her, she has no one.

Wow, it's like he's talking about my parents. Maybe Rachel's parents are my parents, and they never told me about her and she's my long lost sister or something. And now I'm losing it. But hey, this is Tree Hill, right? If something like that is even gonna happen, it's gonna be in this city, I'm sure of that!

At this moment we hear a knock on the door and Nathan opens it, letting someone in. Lucas. He and Nathan have that weird handshake greeting thing guys love so much, hugs Haley, then our eyes meet. And for a long time we just look at each other. I don't know why this feels so weird all of a sudden.

- Brooke… I tried to call you, you weren't answering your phone.

- Sorry, must've been on silent mode or something. Nice to see you, Boyfriend – I go near him and kiss him.

We both know I'm lying through my teeth, I didn't answer cause I don't know what to do or say. There's the baby, there's Peyton and her feelings for him. I just wish things could go back to being simple. When it was just the two of us, and nothing else mattered. But it matters now. All the other stuff. It's just that I'm still not ready to face it all.

- Brooke, can I talk to you outside? – he asks the question I've been so scared to hear. But there's no way to avoid it now. He opens the door, going outside, and I follow him.

- What's going on? You've been avoiding me since the wedding – he asks, but I don't say anything and just bite my lips. He goes on – Is it about me kissing Peyton?

At the mention of Peyton's name I look in his eyes, as my eyes start to get teary again.

- Because you know I love you, right? You know you're the one I wanna be with. That moment, everything was so… she thought she was dying, and I was scared too. It didn't mean I wanted to be with her.

- You have no idea… what it feels like, Luke.

- I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say.

- I'm sorry too. I can't help how I feel. I just have to go, ok? – I start to walk away, to my car.

- Brooke! – he calls me and I turn to look at him – What are you saying?

- I don't know… - I start the car and drive away, crying. Now I don't even know if I have a boyfriend anymore.

I grab the phone to call Peyton, but it starts to ring before I dial the numbers. It's Haley.

- Hey… sorry to walk out of there, I just couldn't handle…

- It's ok, Brooke. Are you alright?

- I'm not sure… but I will be. I couldn't tell him yet, but I will, it just wasn't the time.

- You're sure you don't wanna come back here?

You gotta love Haley for the way she worries about everyone.

- No, thanks, I just need to think some things through.

- Alright, call me if you need anything, ok?

- I will. Thanks Hales.

We hung up and I dial Peyton's number. No answer. I call again, and again, but it keeps ringing and she doesn't pick up her cell phone. Damn it, Peyton… I drive to the hospital, maybe something happened while she was there. As I get there, I see Cooper talking to some nurse, signing some papers.

- Uncle Cooper, so you're being released?

- Hey Brooke… Yeah, I almost had to bribe the doctors to convince them to get me out of here!

- I'm glad you're ok…

Before any of us can say anything else, a few nurses go to one of the rooms.

- The girl from the bridge accident, she's awake… - that's all we can hear from what they're mumbling, but we don't need to hear any more than that to know what's happening. Rachel woke up.

- I should just… I should go. Nice to know you're ok – I felt uncomfortable there, if he's gonna see Rachel or not, well, it's none of my business, right? I ask for Peyton at the reception and the nurse says she remembers a tall blonde girl going to Sarah's office. She shows me the way and I knock on her door.

- Hey… Sarah?

- You're the girl who was at Peyton Sawyer's room with her, aren't you? – she squints her eyes, looking at me.

- Yeah, that's me. I'm looking for Peyton, did she come here?

- She did but… she went away a while ago.

- Great… - I sigh, worried, and turn my back to leave, but she stops me.

- Can I talk to you? Sorry, what's your name?

- Brooke.

- Brooke… it won't take long, have a seat - I hesitantly sit in front of her, as she puts her hands together and looks at me – How well do you know Peyton?

- She's been my best friend for ten years – I answer and look away, feeling a little uncomfortable talking to this person I've never seen before in my life.

- So you two must've gone through a lot together already, right?

- Yeah… specially Peyton, she's been through a lot, more than anyone should have to go through.

- I won't ask you to tell me about her life or anything. She'll talk about that with me when and if she wants to, I just wanna tell you what she's doing now… it's really serious. And she's gonna need you, maybe more than ever. She's weak right now, and she's lost.

- I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I can't watch her all the time. I wish I could, trust me, but if she wants to do it again, she will, and that's what scares me, you know? – great, just great! Now I'm _crying_ in front of the person I've never seen before in my life!

- And you shouldn't. You shouldn't watch her all the time. It won't do her any good if you're always there, cause she's gonna feel like someone's always gonna be there to save her.

- But… isn't that what she needs right now? – ok, now I'm confused.

- No… cause if someone's always there, that means she can do this whenever she wants, cause she knows someone will come.

- You're saying I shouldn't be there for her?

- No, of course not. She needs to know she's strong enough to face it, to face everything without having to hurt herself. Of course she needs you, and everyone else who loves her, she needs you all around, but she needs to know only she can get better. No one else can save her, it's up to her.

- Right now she doesn't know that. She doesn't feel that. So I can't just let her do whatever she wants till she realizes she's strong. What if it goes too far and she gets hurt for real? Again? Should I sit back and watch my best friend fall apart?

- You didn't understand me…

- No, you're the one who doesn't understand. Maybe this whole theory of yours works in books and movies or whatever, but I can't do that, alright? I can't just let her do that, just watch and do nothing.

- You need to trust me. It'll be better for her, you'll see.

- No… I'm really sorry, but I _can't_ trust you. She trusts me to be there, and I won't disappoint her. I gotta go, I've already lost too much time.

I get away from her room. She calls me a couple of times, but I keep going. Then I see Deb and Cooper, right where I saw him before I talk to Sarah. They're a little far from me, but as I'm passing by, I listen to what they're saying.

- I just don't think you should see her…

- I don't know, she was so nervous and… she wasn't okay in that car, maybe if I could talk to her…

- You know she's not gonna change. She's in love with you, and I'm sorry for her, cause I know it hurts a lot, but… maybe if you waited, at least till tomorrow. Go home and think about it, ok? – Deb's voice is quiet, but firm, and Cooper just nods and leaves.

I feel bad for Rachel. I remember Nathan's words… _She has no one_… and now not even Cooper will go and see her. So I decide to go there. At least she'll have someone to bitch at. I enter she room and it seems like she's asleep. Just as I'm walking away, I hear something.

- Slut – yup, that's Rachel, no 'hi', or 'good to see you here'. With Rachel, that's probably the only 'hello' I'll ever get. Slut. So I answer back.

- Bitch.

- Whore! – I can tell she's having fun with it, maybe that's her way of being nice. So we both smile till she starts speaking – Well, I know I'm not in heaven, cause they'd never let Brooke Davis' skinky ass through the gates.

- And your ass wouldn't fit. As least not the old one – okay… time to be serious now… - How are you?

- Not sure… But at least I'm alive, huh? Sadly, for you.

- Come on, the rest of senior year would be no fun if I had no one to fight with.

- Why do you think I came back? – she grins, but then turns serious again – How's Cooper?

Uh oh… What am I supposed to tell her?

- He's alright… he's awake, they just released him a while before you woke up – I had to lie, couldn't tell her he knew she was awake but didn't go see her.

- Oh… good.

- I'm sorry… you know, about Cooper and you. Seems like you really love him.

- Yeah, I guess I do – she sighs.

One of the nurses comes into the room and looks at me, like I shouldn't even be there.

- Oh sorry, the door was open, so I just wanted to…

- Sorry honey, but she can't have any visitors for now. We're still monitoring her to see if everything's alright.

- Not that I would have any visitors anyway – Rachel mumbles under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

- It's okay, I'll just come back some other time – I look at the nurse and then at Rachel, smile and say goodbye.

I go back to my car. And now I don't even know where to go. I start thinking about Lucas. And then about what Sarah said. And then Rachel. It's way too much stuff. Till my phone rings. Lucas. I don't pick up, he calls again about three times. When I don't pick up for the third time, I get a text message. _It's Peyton, I don't think she's ok. You should come to her house._

_So you wonder about the past_

_When you know that it's already been_

_Nothing seems to last_

_Can it last, will it last?_

* * *

Song: _Shaking,_by Our Lady Peace.

_Some of the dialogue between Brooke and Rachel was taken from the season 4 premiere, The Same Deep Water as You._


	10. What's worth fighting for

**Chapter 10 – What's worth fighting for**

_You all assume I'm safer in my room _

_Unless I try to start again _

_I don't want to be the one the battles always choose _

_Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused_

Peyton's POV:

I don't really know how long I stayed in that bathroom floor, crying, not moving, not daring to look at my arm or the little blood drips around me. But at some point, I don't know how, I was able to get up and go to my bed. My head hurts, my arm hurts, but I almost can't feel it. I go under the covers, shaking, and close my eyes. My eyes must be red from crying, and I can see my skin is too pale. I don't care. I keep telling myself… I don't care… _I don't care…

* * *

_

Haley's POV:

When Lucas and Brooke left to talk, I thought they were gonna be okay, I really did. I wasn't sure if she was gonna tell him about the pregnancy, but still… I really thought they were actually gonna talk. But as soon as Lucas came back inside, and by himself, it was obvious things hadn't ended up well.

- Luke, what happened?

- I'm not sure, Hales. She was so… distant… she barely said a thing. You talked to her yesterday, right?

- Yeah, I did. She has a lot going on, you know? Just give her some time, I'm sure you two will work things out.

He smiles at me.

- How about Peyton? Was she alright?

- She was asleep. I'm worried about her too, Brooke and I talked right there, by the bed and she wouldn't even move. But I don't know, maybe she was just tired.

- Look, I'll tell why what… I'll go to Peyton's and see if she's alright, ok? If you need anything, just call me, alright? You too, Nate.

- Don't worry man, we'll be alright. Take care.

- You too. Bye.

And then he left. To check on Peyton. See, that's what I don't get about Lucas and Brooke. He loves her. She loves him. Why do those two make things so damn complicated? Why didn't Brooke talk to him and why did he go to see Peyton and not Brooke? I get that he's worried about her, I am too, but shouldn't he be trying to talk to Brooke now? These Scott people… I just don't get them sometimes.

* * *

Peyton's POV: 

My eyes are barely open when I hear a soft knock on the door.

- Peyton? – Lucas comes inside the room and sits by the bed.

- Lucas? What are you doing here? – I sit up, with my head rested on the wall.

- I just wanted to see if you were ok. I called Brooke yesterday and she was at the hospital, with you. She said you had food poisoning, but of all the excuses Brooke's ever come up with, that was probably the worst – he chuckles, and so do I. Then he looks at me and squints his eyes – What's going on, Peyton?

I smile. I love it that he worries, I really do. But it's hard being around him, it's… weird. He's a good friend, he's always been, and I want things to remain this way. But if I tell him the truth about what happened and everything that's been going on, it could make things worse. For me, for him and for Brooke. I can't do that.

- I'm alright, I'm just a little tired.

- No, you're not alright! You're pale as a ghost! And Brooke's been so worried, and she won't tell me what's going on, Haley talks to Brooke and doesn't tell me what's wrong, and now you. I wanna help, Peyton, but I can't unless I know what's happening.

- I know you do. And I love you for that. But it's just… it's too complicated. If I could tell you, I would, I really would.

He lowers his head.

- I'm really sorry – I say. It's not like I don't feel bad about hiding it, but if he knew I had feelings for him, he'd thank me for keeping them to myself. It's what I should've done from the beginning. My voice's too weak, I sigh heavily, doing my best to stay up and not lie down again – Luke, can you just go, please?

- Come on Peyton, you can barely sit up. Let me get you something, you want some water?

- No! – I say too loud for my own good. If he goes into the bathroom he may see some blood on the floor – No… Lucas. You should just… go, please, just go!

He keeps looking at me, and after a moment of silence he gets up.

- Alright. You just… take care, alright?

- Lucas… thanks…

- Yeah – can't blame the guy for being a little mad. He leaves the room and I immediately lie back down, barely able to keep my eyes open.

I can't say how much time goes by till I hear rushed steps in my room's direction.

- Lucas, where is she? – it's Brooke, and she sounds nervous.

- She's in the room. She's awake and fine… I mean, she's awake at least. But I just thought she shouldn't be alone. And she didn't want me around. I guess you're not the only one who's avoiding me, right?

- Luke… I can't do this right now, alright? I gotta see Peyton…

- No Brooke! I _have_ to talk to you. You know I love you and I wanna be with you. If there's something wrong, if there's something I can do, then tell me. I mean, something's up with Peyton, Haley knows something she's not telling me. You'll talk to Haley about our problems but you won't even talk to me? Come on!

Wow! I didn't even know Lucas was still in my house. It was sweet of him to call Brooke. But they're fighting? What the hell's going on? I hear Brooke sigh heavily. I don't feel comfortable, I don't know if they know I can hear what they're saying, so I fake cough, as loud as I can. The door opens almost immediately.

- Peyton! You're alright? – Brooke looks at me.

- Yeah, I am. I just think… look you guys need to talk, in private, somewhere I can't listen. It's between the two of you. So just go to the living room and please, stop with the fighting and make up already, cause you're giving me a headache!

Brooke seems surprised by what I said. She smiles and then looks at Lucas, a little sadly. Lucas leaves, but Brooke stays there, by the door, looking at me.

- After ten years you still surprise me sometimes. Thanks, P. Sawyer.

- Go get your guy, B. Davis.

_Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more than anytime before  
I had no options left again

* * *

_

Song: _Breaking the Habit_, by Linkin Park 


	11. Nothing to say

**Chapter 11 - Nothing to say**

_Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?  
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?  
Of course you are_

Brooke's POV:

I'm surprised by what Peyton says, I really am. I know how hard it must be for her, and of course I didn't think she was gonna try to break us apart or anything, but I also didn't imagine she was gonna do this. Actually tell me and Lucas to talk and make up. So… yeah, she surprised me. After I close the door, I go to the living room, where Lucas already is.

- So… why am I not surprised you were here, at Peyton's?

- I was just worried, Brooke.

- Thing is, Lucas, you'd worry about her before you'd worry about me. It's like she always comes first!

- You know that's not true.

- Do I? There's something between the two of you, Luke. And sometimes I get this feeling that… there will _always_ be. You know? That connection, it's like you two understand each other better than any two people can possibly understand, and I feel like… like I'll never have that with you – I lower my head and close my eyes as a tear falls.

- Hey hey… look at me, Brooke. It's true, Peyton and I do have a connection, that's why we're such great friends. But that's all. What you and I have, I can't imagine not being with you. And when I look at you, I see all of you. So much more than you want people to see, I see the vulnerable girl, the scared girl, the tough girl, the kind, and sweet, and pretty girl you are. All of it. And it's all you. I just don't know what to do anymore to prove that you're the one for me, and I'm the one for you. But if you want me to give that speech all over again, I will. Till you believe me when I say how much I love you.

- That's the thing. You keep saying those beautiful things, and for a while there I almost fall for it again. But you never show it. When I think we're alright, I find out something, I feel that… that your heart's not in it.

- Brooke, you're the one who won't even tell me what's going on, you'll keep me away from you and I'm the one who's not giving his heart? Just… just tell me, please. You said you're not pushing me away, you said you're holding on, maybe it's your turn to show it too. All of a sudden we're fighting and I don't even know exactly what it's about. Damn it, Brooke, what do you want me to do?

_Are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?  
Of course you are  
_

I don't know what I expect from him. I know he's right when he says it's not fair. It isn't. I'm mad at him for something Peyton feels, I'm mad because I'm too afraid to need him like I do. I'm mad cause I have his baby growing inside of me. But then again, it's not fair that Peyton has feeling for him, it's not fair that he broke my heart last year, it's not fair that he kissed her again and didn't tell me about it. Nothing about this is fair.

- I want you… - my voice trails off, I can't believe what I'm about to say – I want you to go.

- No… I'm not leaving again, not knowing what the hell is going on.

- What's going on? You didn't figure it out yet? I'm breaking up with you, Lucas.

- What? Look, I know things haven't been perfect lately, but…

- Don't! Please, just… don't – I can barely talk now, my voice is almost a whisper between my tears – Just go…

- I'm not giving up on us, Brooke – and, with that, he leaves.

Why does he have to make this so hard? And why on Earth am I doing this? Did I just break up with my boyfriend? When I'm pregnant with his baby and have no idea what to do? As soon as he leaves, I feel like running after him and taking it all back. I didn't want to break up. I needed some time and he couldn't give me that. So I got tired of it. I'm so tired I'm probably not even thinking clearly. I don't even know what I want. Right now I wanna cry. I wanna forget.

I go back to Peyton's room, open the door. When I open the door she looks at me and smiles, but when she sees my face, her smile fades. I go silently to her side, sit on the bed and start crying. Peyton's the only one who's ever seen me like this, she knows how bad things have to be for me to breakdown this way. So she sits up and hugs me, not saying a word, just showing she's there.

- I'm so scared, Peyton. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

- I know the feeling – she says and sighs – Brooke, look at me… I'm here for you, please, let me help you. I can't stand to see you like this and… I have no idea what's causing it. I know a lot of it is my fault, and I'm so sorry… but there's more, isn't there?

I nod, still crying. I lay down, resting my head on Peyton's lap, she strokes my hair calmly, letting me know it's ok if I don't wanna talk or if I can't talk right now. She's gonna be there when I'm ready.

- Get some rest, ok?

I look at her and then I remember why I'm there in the first place. She wasn't ok. She was pale and she didn't get out of bed, not for one moment. She hurt herself again. I start crying harder as I realize this. I should've been there to stop her. But I was too busy… falling apart.

_Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?  
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?  
Of course you are  
Of course you are

* * *

_

Song: _Are You Still Mad_, by Alanis Morissette 


	12. What if

_Hey guys! Thank you so much for everyone who's been reviewing! I know there's a lot of drama going on, and there's more of it coming, but I promise I'll try and write it a little less intense sometimes, so it won't be boring or anything. But when I sit here in front of the computer to write, I always promise myself the next chapter's gonna be a little cheerier, but I can't help it and it turns out to be a sad one again! But I hope you won't give up on me yet! And I hope you'll like this chapter, and please review it! Thanks again!

* * *

_

**Chapter 12 – What If**

_What if there was no light _

_Nothing wrong, nothing right. _

_What if there was no time? _

_And no reason or rhyme?_

Peyton's POV:

When Broke went to talk to Lucas, I could see she wasn't sure about what she was gonna say or do. And when she came back, she was just lost. And she didn't even say a thing, she needed comfort, so I didn't ask any questions at first. I never wanted them to break up. Of course, sometimes I stop and think of would've happened if I'd told her the truth from the start. Maybe they wouldn't have gotten together, maybe Lucas and I would be dating. But then again, maybe it wouldn't work out anyway and I'd be the one needing comfort right now. But those are nothing but 'what ifs', they don't matter. Cause none of these things actually happened. I didn't want them to break up, and if there's anything I can do to help those two, I will. Brooke's crying, she says she doesn't know what she's doing anymore, and when Brooke Davis says something like that, it usually means she's already regret the choices she made, and I always feel like I'm the one who's supposed to fix things for her. That's the way it's always been with us. When one of us is too weak to fix their own mistakes, the other one steps up and does it for her. And usually when that happens, I'm able to put whatever shit I'm going through on hold, and be strong. That's what just happened. She's been keeping a lot to herself to take care of me, now I'm doing the same. And suddenly this shooting pain on my wrist is not important anymore. I'm hugging her, and a few moments later she pulls away, her face red from the tears.

- Get some rest, ok? We can talk tomorrow, if you want to – she's too exhausted to talk about anything now.

- I guess you're right. Good night – she turns to the other side and closes her eyes.

I sigh and keep looking at the ceiling, and sometimes to Brooke to see if everything seems alright. But I can tell she's not asleep either. I can't tell how much time passes by till she turns back to my side and looks at me.

- Can we talk right now? – she asks, a lot of insecurity and fear in her voice.

- Of course, I just figured you needed some rest.

- What I need is to tell you what's going on. Cause it's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it.

- Brooke, what's going on?

- I'm pregnant, Peyton.

I can't even describe all the things that went through my mind after she said that. It was like all these thoughts came rushing at the same time, and some were the complete opposites of the other ones, so I guess that's why I didn't say anything. For a long time. And I mean it, a really long time.

- I'm sorry, I know you have a lot going on, and I didn't want to dump this on you too, but I just… I really need you.

She's crying, and I get closer to her and hug her.

- And you've got me, always, no matter what. You know that.

She nods slowly, between a few quiet sobs. Damn it, why's it so hard to know what to say on times like that? When my mom died, Brooke always knew what to say to make things better. No matter how bad they were, after we talked I believed everything would be okay again, even if my mom wasn't here anymore. Same happened after Ellie died. And now all I wanted was to be able to do the same thing for her, to make everything ok, but nothing comes to my mind. Nothing.

- Does Lucas know?

She shakes her head and then looks straight in my eyes.

- I'm not ready for him to know. I'm not ready for me to know. And that's what scares me. Peyton, you know me. I'm a cheerleader who doesn't even know what I want to do after I graduate. How am I supposed to raise a child?

- Hey, Brooke, look at me. You know you're more than just the captain of the squad, who creates kick ass routines and gets us awards for best choreography – she laughs softly as I say that – And I know you, I know you better than most people do, and I know that if you decide to do this, you can. You and this cute little unborn baby – I tickle her belly – you have my house, well, _our_ house, you'll have all of my help, you'll have Lucas, who won't let you down, and Karen, who knows what it's like and will certainly be there for you. You won't have to do anything by yourself. Well, except labor, cause I can't help you with that.

She laughs again between her tears. And then she hugs me again. I hug her back and don't let go. She deserves to feel safe now, more than ever.

- Thank you – she says, simply. I smile. Guess I had something good to say after all.

- Whatever you need… just ask me, ok? Anything.

- Actually… I need you to talk to me too, Peyton. You cut yourself again, didn't you?

No… not that again! It's not like I can lie, it's pretty obvious, specially for her. Lucas didn't know, he had no idea what's going on, but Brooke knows. Do I need to go through it all again? So I nod and don't say anything else.

- I was worried sick when I kept calling and you didn't answer. Then I went to the hospital and talked to that woman…

- You talked to her? - okay, I _so_ didn't like that – Brooke, I hate the woman, I don't want her to know anything about me or whatever's going on!

- Calm down, Peyton, I didn't say anything, I was just looking for you. But she doesn't seem that bad anyway, why do you hate her?

- She acts like she knows everything, like she knows what I'm feeling or what I'm supposed to be feeling.

- Maybe that's why you hate talking to her. Cause she _does_ know how you feel, and that bothers you.

- Could we just stop talking about her?

- What? If we stop talking about her, will you start talking about you?

- Look, I'm tired, I'm just gonna go to sleep, alright?

Brooke sighs and gets up.

- Maybe she was right – she says more to herself than to me.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Nothing, never mind. Look, if you don't want me to help you, than I won't – she gets up and leaves the room.

I don't even ask her where she's going, just let her go. What the hell just happened here? One time we're having a good talk, we're telling each other what's going on and how much we needed each other, and then on the next one I'm yelling at her. But she shouldn't have gone to that woman. Even thinking about her bugs me. And the fact that Brooke was so worried that she went to her, it's so coming back to bite me in the ass tomorrow. When I get to that hospital, she's gonna bug the hell out of me asking where I was and what I was doing that Brooke couldn't find me. But I know both Brooke and Sarah are right about a lot of things. And it's not fair to take it out on my best friend. Not now, that she has this huge thing going on. So I get up and open my bedroom's door and I see Brooke walking back to the room too. Seems like the two of us had the same thought.

- I'm sorry. I really am, I know you were worried and it's just that… the way she knows things and the things she says. I know they're true, Brooke, I really do, but I don't wanna change them. I can't see those choices as the wrong ones, I see them as the only ones I have.

- I'm not leaving you here. I'm not leaving your side till I'm sure you're ok. Those choices… you know they're not the only ones. Maybe the other options are harder, they take more strength, and right now you feel like you don't have that kind of strength, but you do. And I'm gonna make sure you know that, Peyton. Sometimes it seems you wanna drive me away, and I get it. It's easier. It's always easier. But it won't help you get better. So you can yell at me all you want, but I'm staying, I'm here by your side till I can look at you and see that strong and happy Peyton Sawyer I used to know. She's still in there, and I'm gonna help you find her again.

Yeah… you can tell she knows me better than I know myself. Or better yet, she knows stuff about me that I know, but I'm too afraid to admit it, that's why it hurts and it makes me mad when she says it out loud. I cry. It's my turn to cry now. She looks sadly at my arms and hugs me. Damn it, all we do lately is cry. Are we all so lost that we can't do anything else? That we can't face the things we fear? We cry. As if crying will solve our problems. I cry in hopes Brooke won't be mad at me anymore, cause she'll see I'm not ok. She cries to show me she needs as much help as I do. And we're trying to help each other. We're not ok, but at least we're not alone. And after what Brooke says, I know I'll never be alone. But still, I'm afraid. She just told me this big thing that's going on in her life, and next to that, I stop and think of my problems and I can't find anything that's even close to what's she's going through. And I don't see her reaching for a razor and cutting herself. That's what's so stupid about this. So many people have all the reasons in the world to be lost, or to do something that stupid. Some people are all alone. Some people have to face their worst fears with no one close to them to give them a hug and tell them they're gonna be ok, cause they'll always have someone to make sure things get better. I guess I think too much sometimes. I don't think it helps, cause the more I think, the more I reach the conclusion that I have no real reason to do what I do. And still I keep feeling those feelings, I keep doing these things I know I shouldn't be doing.

- I need you to get better – she suddenly says, looking at me – My baby's gonna need its godmother, you know? Who's gonna teach this baby how to draw, or how to like this weird music you listen to, huh? I know I couldn't.

I smile softly. But I don't know how to get better.

- How? How am I supposed to do this?

- You know the first thing you have to do, right? You have to tell Sarah about what you did.

- I can't…

- Please, don't go freaky on me again. Just… at least think about it. Please?

- Can we talk about it tomorrow? Cause I don't wanna go freaky on you again.

- Yeah… I guess the two of us need some serious rest. I just want you to be ok.

- I know you do – it's true, and I know that. I guess it's hard to admit that what I'm doing is so wrong. It doesn't hurt anyone else, just me. So shouldn't it be only my problem? It bothers me to have to talk to anyone about it, to have people talking to me like I'm some nut case. It's _my_ problem, no one else's. When I have so much in my head and everything seems hard, it's the only easy way out.

_Every step that you take _

_Could be your biggest mistake _

_It could bend or it could break _

_But that's the risk that you take_

* * *

The song used on this chapter's called _What If_, by Coldplay. 


	13. Out of hand

_I know, I know it took me too long to update, and I'm so sorry! But I wrote some new stories too! Two oneshots, one called The Boy I Love Protected The Girl I Love, and the other one, a songfic called A Story About a Girl. Make sure to check them out and tell me if you like them! I already have the next chapter of this story ready, but I have to type it, wrote today in college! I promise to update again till the end of this week! Things have been kinda crazy in college, but the semester ends in like 10 days, then I'm free to write like crazy, and I swear will have to give me an award for most updates and new stories in such short time! Cause I'll write so much you won't know what hit you! LOL! Okay maybe I won't, but I definitely plan on doing that! So as from 2 weeks you'll see my stories updated more often. I hope you like this chapter! Oh, and I'd like to thank **Ally** for always leaving the sweetest reviews for all my stories! Thanks girl, you rock! And my sister and roomie **H. James** for reading the story on my notebook as soon as I'm done writing and getting all excited, and sister **B. Davis** for sending me happy spoilers this morning and restoring my faith on the show! LOL!_

**

* * *

Chapter 13 – Out of hand**

_Can't you see that I'm not blind  
I can see what you're doing  
Stop what you're doing  
What will it take for you to recognize your mistake?_

Brooke's POV:

Ok, two people who know I'm pregnant. And none of them is the father of the baby. But I had to tell them, cause I knew they'd help me out somehow. I've been fighting with myself, I keep asking myself how did I let this happen and how could I be so stupid. And all they said was how beautiful and loved this baby will be. That's what I need right now. I can't even imagine what my parents will say, they'll probably want me to get an abortion. Which is exactly why I'm not telling them anytime soon. Not until I'm sure my baby's safe. But I'll have to tell Lucas at some point. And I have to do something about Peyton's cutting. She can't stop it, so I'll have to do it for her. I know she should be the one to tell Sarah what happened but, if she won't, I will. She'll probably hate me, but damn it, I can't watch her and be therefore her all the time! I wish I could, but it's not possible. She needs help, and not just my help, she also needs someone who understands it better, who knows what's the best thing to do, cause in case no one's noticed, I'm lost here! The woman says it's better if I let Peyton learn with her mistakes, and it's not good for her if I'm there all the time. But I just can't do this, it's too hard. Am I supposed to sit here and watch her fall apart? Sorry, I can't.

We go to the hospital the next day. Peyton's a little annoyed cause I wouldn't let her go by herself. We're waiting till she can talk to Sarah, and, well, there's no moment like this one to talk to Peyton.

- You're really not telling her?

- I can't.

- Please, Peyton. She knows how to help you, way better than I do. You know you have to tell her.

Before Peyton can answer, Sarah calls her. She looks at me and gets up, entering the office. About 10 minutes later, she's already out and sits beside me.

- I couldn't tell her.

- Then I'm sorry. I'll have to do it for you.

She tries to stop me from getting into Sarah's office, but I get in and close the door. Sarah's surprised. Actually, I am too. I know Peyton will hate me for it, but it's better if she's hating me and getting better than talking to me and cutting herself.

- I need to talk to you – I tell the woman.

- Sure, what's going on?

- It's Peyton… yesterday… she cut herself again. When I saw her, she was weak and pale. I left her alone for a couple of hours, I shouldn't have…

We talk for a while. She tells me, once again, that I can't always be there for her, It'll only make her think she can keep doing these things, and there'll always be someone to help. But what she doesn't get is that there _will_ be someone, always. I don't think I have the strength to turn my back on her, specially now. She says she had no idea Peyton had done something again, she seemed ok, the girl's getting pretty good at hiding it. After half an hour or so I leave Sarah's office, just waiting for a slap on my face for spilling it all out. But I didn't expect that. Peyton's not there.

- Excuse me – I stop a nurse that's passing by – Have you seen a girl my age? Tall, blonde, she was sitting here not too long ago.

- Yeah, actually, she left about 20 minutes ago. She looked pretty upset, even stumbled on me on her way out.

- Great! – I mumble to myself, then I look at the nurse and give her a small smile – Thanks.

I ask a couple more people on the hospital reception and they confirm she left, but no one can tell me where she went, or at least which way. So I have no other choice. I grab my cell phone and dial Lucas' number.

- Brooke?

- Lucas! I can't find her – my voice is shaky.

- Brooke, calm down. What are you talking about?

- Peyton! She was really upset, and I left her for like 20 minutes and now she's gone! Can you help me find her?

- Sure, where are you?

- At the hospital.

He hesitates, obviously wondering what I'm doing at the hospital, but he sighs and talks quickly, before hanging up.

- I'll be there in a minute.

And, I could swear, that was how long it took for him to come. He gets out of his car and I hug him. Ok, I know I broke up with the guy like 12 hours ago, but try to imagine the situation I'm going through right now! I can't keep strong all the time, people!

- What happened? Why were you two at the hospital?

- Peyton's not doing well lately, Lucas. She's lost, and she's so distant. I keep trying to bring her back, but I can't – my eyes are teary.

- Hey, hey… we're gonna find her, ok? – he hugs me. God, it's good to be in his arms.

Why do I make things so complicated? I wanna talk to him, I want him to know I didn't mean to break up, and freak out on him like that. But that conversation can wait. Right now there's no time for it, we have to find Peyton.

- You have a car here? – I ask and he nods – Alright, we'll each look for her on a different place and if one of us finds her, we'll call the other.

- Brooke, you're too nervous, you shouldn't drive. Come with me, ok?

- But it's gonna take longer…

- Hey, I'm not letting you drive like that. I'd be so worried about you that I probably wouldn't even see Peyton if I passed by her.

Awwww, I can't believe he said that, that was _so_ sweet! Does it mean he really doesn't love her like I thought he did? Ok, Brooke, focus! You can think about that later!

- Let's go then – I run to his car.

He drives slowly, so we can check everywhere while we're heading to her house. I'm praying she's there. But she doesn't answer her home phone or her cell. I tried calling. Countless times, actually. I look on every street, inside every store, but there's no sign of her. Lucas suddenly stops the car and runs to some street. I don't even have time to ask what's going on. I almost pass out when I see him coming back with an unconscious Peyton in his arms.

_Stop what you're doing  
Before you do it all wrong again  
You have to get it right this time  
Before it gets all out of hand

* * *

Sorry, I know it was kinda short. But as I said, I'll update again till the end of this week. And I know there's a lot of drama, but I can't help myself! Things will start to get better eventually, don't worry! I hope you liked it, and please review to let me know what you thought._

Song: Killing Time, by Joss Stone.


	14. That mess of details

**Chapter 14 – That mess of details**

_So we trade for liquor for blood  
In an attempt to tip the scales  
I think you lost what you loved  
In that mess of details  
They seemed so important at the time  
Now you can't even recall  
Any names, faces, or lines  
It's more the feeling of it all_

Peyton's POV:

She's in that room for about 10 minutes, I guess. How could she do that? It'd be like me going to Lucas and telling him she's pregnant with his baby! Ok, maybe it's not the same, but no one was supposed to know what I did yesterday. It's no one's business, and right now I don't even know what to do. I don't want anyone to come and talk to me about it, like they have any idea what it feels like. When I think of my past I only see mistakes. My present is made of loneliness. And my future? I see nothing. I don't think the word 'future' means anything anymore. I've tried, I really did, I kept telling myself it was gonna go away and that I still have something to look forward to. People seem to think it's so easy sometimes. To stop cutting. To stop crying. To start getting better. But only the ones who've been through something like that know that it's not that simple. It's like I have no control, something takes over me. Anxiety, sadness, anger. All of it together. And then there's nothing I can do. I mean it, there isn't. It's not about getting better, it's about _wanting_ to get better. I don't, I really don't. And I don't understand why. I wish I did. I wish I woke up and had this desire to live, to smile and feel happy. It's all gone now.

I can't be here anymore. I don't wanna see Brooke and Sarah's faces when they finish their little conversation. As I'm leaving, I stumble into a nurse, causing her to drop a bunch of pills. I help her to take them back and, careful so that she won't see it, I keep a lot of them. I don't know why I did this. I leave the hospital, running. But there's nowhere to go. Not here, in this city, or any other one for that matter. That's when I realize I don't wanna be anywhere. There's only one way this can happen. One way to be free from it all. For good. I don't care anymore. I take the pills – there are about 20 of them – and put them in my mouth, swallowing them quickly. It's one of these moments. I have no control, and I don't care what happens, as long as it happens quickly.

_Well, in the dark we're just air  
__So the house might dissolve  
__Once we're gone, who's gonna care  
__If we were ever here at all?_

* * *

_I guess you noticed the cliffhanger still hangs on! I know this chapter's really short, that's exactly why I posted two chapters in one day, but I had to get both girls' POVs on what happened. I'm already working on the next chapter, it should be up pretty soon, one week max!_

_Song: An Attempt to Tip the Scales, by Bright Eyes._


	15. Your hands are mine to hold

_Thanks again to everyone who's been reading and reviewing. It's amazing to get this amazing feedback! Now, I just watched tonight's episode and I'm going crazy here! It's like 4:30 am here in Brazil, I have classes tomorrow in the morning, but I'm just not able to sleep since I watched the episode! LOL! It was just too amazing, even though I don't really like Lucas and Peyton together. But that's like a small tiny insignificant detail compared to how perfect the episode was. I'm still in shock. And dude, HUGE cliffhanger! That's when I decided cliffhangers are evil and I shouldn't do that on my fic. So I just typed this chapter specially for you guys! Wow, that was like... 3 updates in two days! Yay me! But, as I said, I'll UD more often once I'm on vacation, in about 10 days. Anyway, here's the chapter, hope you enjoy it. Major Brucas ahead, so have fun! _**

* * *

Chapter 15 – Your hands are mine to hold**

_So a day when you've lost yourself completely  
__Could be a night when your life ends  
__Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving  
__All the pain held in your  
__Hands are shaking cold  
__These hands are meant to hold_

Brooke's POV:

We don't know for how long she was there, we don't even know if she's alive. I try to keep calm, but I can't, this is just too much. I'm sobbing out of control. Lucas lays her down on the street and checks her pulse. She's alive. As he's taking her in his arms again, to put her in the car, she starts moving her head and slowly moves her eyes. Lucas' attention is focused on her, so I go to her arm and see there are no new cuts.

- Lucas? – she asks, confused to see him.

- Peyton, what did you do now? – I go next to her, angry as hell.

- Brooke… just… leave me, ok? Doesn't… matter.

- Like hell it doesn't! Now tell me, what did you do?

- Brooke… - Lucas says, but I stop him.

- No, Luke! I'm sick of it. I can't keep doing this if she won't even help herself.

- Brooke! – he turns to stop me – She took pills.

He points to her hand and there's one pill there, that she probably didn't even notice while she was TRYING TO KILL HERSELF! AGAIN! Of course, I'm not helping. Instead, I'm totally panicking. Thank god at least one of us is still sane, cause Lucas sits her up and, moving her head to the side, he makes her throw up. Man, that's a lot of vomit! Grosse! Good thing he's here, I'd never think of that. And, even if I did, I'd never have the courage. Too disgusting! But then again, my best friend's life's on stake, I'd probably do it. Why am I rambling about it again? Oh, yeah, I ramble when I'm nervous. He takes her to the car and she sits on the back, the door's open, she faces the street. And slowly she starts to regain conscience. She doesn't face me, or Lucas, just looks down, with her hand on her head.

- Come on, Lucas, let's go back to the hospital – I say, sitting on the back seat too.

- No! Can we just go home? – her voice is still weak, but she seems a little better.

- Are you crazy? Oh, what am I saying? Of course you're crazy, you just swallowed god knows hoe many pills!

- Brooke… take it easy.

It's easy for Lucas to say that, he doesn't know half of what's going on here. He sees the look on my face and backs off. I turn Peyton so that she's fully inside the car and I look at her.

- You have no idea what's best for you, so we're going back to that hospital.

- Don't make me go back there, Brooke – she sounds like a little child.

But I'm nota parent! Well, not yet, anyway. I don't know what's the best thing to do here. She seems ok, but what if she needs medical care? But then again, last time I tried to do what I thought was best, it led to this. So I sigh and close the door.

- Fine, let's go to Peyton's place, Luke. I'll stop by the hospital later to get my car.

The ride's silent. I'm so worried, but this time she pissed me off big time. She looks outside the window, completely unaware of anything. I see tears falling down her cheeks and look away, look out of the window too, trying anything to distract myself. We get to her house and Lucas helps her to her room. She lies in bed and seems sleepy. I'm afraid to let her sleep, we don't know what kind of pills she took. Well, whatever it was, it's out of her system already. She closes her eyes and falls asleep. I'm sitting by her computer, with my legs folded and my arms around them. Lucas sits on the end of the bed, facing me.

- What's going on, Brooke?

- It's not my place to tell you, I'm sorry. If she wants you to know, she'll tell you.

- That's great! So you call me, I help you find her, I find out she OD'd with pills and you don't think I deserve to know? How is that fair?

Oh, I have to laugh at that!

- Fair? You, of all people? Don't come and tell me about what's fair, Lucas! For your information, it's _your_ fault she's like that! And Jake, who keeps leaving her, and her father, who's _never_ around, and Ellie, who came back just so her daughter could see her dying. What kind of mother is that, anyway?

- And you're not thinking of including yourself in that list, huh? Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe it's your fault more than anyone else's? You wouldn't even talk to her, or let me talk to her at the wedding, you moved from her place and left her alone. I thought best friends were supposed to help each other, not walk away when things got hard.

- You have… no… idea – I gritted my teeth as I said it, sending him a glare.

The truth is he hit me right where it hurt. I know it was my fault, more than Lucas' or Jake's. She was already lost when I left her by herself. And as from that moment she started falling deeper and deeper. I can't help thinking it's already too late to bring her back. I can see he already regretted saying that, specially cause I'm having a hard time keeping my tears from falling from my eyes.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it – he reaches his hand and touches my cheek, which, of course, only makes me cry harder.

He holds me in his arms.

- You're right. It is my fault.

- We couldn't have known, Brooke. None of us.

- I could. I should've known. I live here, Lucas!

- It doesn't matter now, does it? All you can do now is be here for her.

Yeah, I wish it was that easy. I still haven't figured out what's the best way to do that.

- You're a good friend to her – I smile as he says it. It reminds me of when Peyton and I went to that party at Duke and that creep tried to take advantage of her. I was feeling so guilty, and he said the exact same thing. That was the day he saw me, the real me, for the first time.

- I'm not so sure about that anymore.

I'm still in his arms, he hugs me tighter, and for those moments it seems everything's really gonna be ok.

- How do you do that, Luke? How do you keep so calm?

- I kinda have to, don't I? Plus, I know it's the only way I can get you to calm down too. That way maybe you'll stop blaming yourself, cause I can't stand seeing you like that, Brooke.

He slowly touches my bangs, pulling it softly, before touching my face. I close my eyes, still crying, and feel Lucas' lips on mine. To my own surprise, I kiss him back. A few seconds later we pull apart. That's it, I have to tell him.

- Lucas… we need to talk.

- Ok. What is it?

I go to the bed and sit beside him.

- I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to say those things, but I was scared, and I was nervous.

- It's ok. I'm still here, aren't I?

- Will you still be here after I tell you this?

- This is really serious, isn't it? – he becomes more serious as I nod.

- I'm… I'm two months pregnant.

He obviously stays silent for a while, and I see a few tears come out of his eyes. But then, to my surprise, he hugs me again. I can tell he's scared, but he doesn't say anything, just holds me and makes me feel like things are not that bad, cause he'll be there every step of the way.

- You remember what I said last year? I still mean every word. Whatever you decide to do, I'm gonna be by your side.

- I've already decided. I'm having this baby.

He smiles.

- I was hoping you'd say that.

- So… are you saying you're ready to be a father?

- None of us are ready to be parents. But we'll learn, right? We'll learn together – he takes my hand.

His calm ends up calming me down too.

- It's ok to be scared, Luke. I'm scared too.

- I know, I'm terrified. But I know we'll find a way.

The security in his voice amazes me. I was so terrified before, afraid he'd leave or still be angry. I never expected him to react like this. He softly puts his hand on my belly.

- Have you been to the doctor? Is everything alright?

- Yeah – I smile – A healthy, perfect little baby.

I put my hand over his and turn on my back so I can rest my head on his chest. We stay like that, enjoying each other's company, until Peyton starts moving. My attention immediately turns to her, but she's not awake yet.

- What am I gonna do, Luke? I wanna help, but it seems I keep making things worse – I get closer to Peyton and brush some of her hair from her face.

- She's gonna be ok. And you know why? Cause she has you.

- And you.

- Yeah, and me – he smiles and kisses my forehead.

- Cause our baby's gonna need P. Sawyer around, you know?

- We all do. That's why we're not letting her go, I promise. But I have to go now. Will you be ok?

- You have to go already?

- My mom's going to the doctor, so I gotta stay at the Café, help Haley out. Is everything alright? Cause I can call and tell her I can't make it.

- No, it's ok.

- Call me if you need anything, alright? And let me know how Peyton is.

- I will.

- And… I'll call you later so we can talk about this baby a little more, ok? – he smiles, then comes and hugs me – I love you.

- I love you too.

It's the first time in a while I say that to him and really mean it, with all my heart. And, for the first time in a really long time, I believe he means it too. We say goodbye with a quick peck on the lips and he leaves. I climb in bed and look at Peyton. She's moving a lot, seems like she's gonna wake up soon.

- What am I gonna do about you, P. Sawyer?

_Speak to me  
__When all you gotta keep is strong  
__Move along, move along, like I know you do  
__And even when your hope is gone  
__Move along, move along, just to make it through

* * *

_

Song: you know it already, but what the hell... Move Along, by The All American Rejects! 


	16. Find your way back

_Cause I promised Ally I'd do my best to update before Christmas, so it's 6am right now and I still haven't gone to bed! Kinda sleepy here, lol! But I really wanted to get this chapter ready. So that's to keep you happy on Christmas, girl! Please review! And that includes YOU, B. Davis! And H. James! Anyway, I wish a wonderful Christmas to all of you who read this story, have fun, be with the ones you love, and get a lot of presents, cause let's face it, that's always really fun! Here's next chapter!_

* * *

**Chapter 15 – Find your way back**

_And now it seems your baggage  
__Is the only thing that you can bring  
__You had a lie for everything  
__And now your world is crumbling_

Peyton's POV:

I enter the room and see Brooke there, with a baby in her hands. Her little baby. She's happier than I've ever seen her. Lucas passes by me and I could swear he's the most proud dad in the world. Haley and Nathan join them, Haley takes the baby so that Brooke can get up and come in front of me; she's about to say something when Dan storms into the room, asking about his grandchild. To my surprise, Haley gladly hands him a crying baby, whom he soon calms down. The doctor shows up, gives me a weird look. Before I can say anything, Deb shows up too, walks near Brooke and shamelessly steals the painkiller's Brooke's supposed to take. Brooke doesn't say anything, just smiles at me and takes me to the baby. The baby has one tiny pompom on each hand, and puts them up, doing a little cheer. Lucas, Nathan and Dan join it and start their own choreography. Deb and Karen enter the room and happily do the as the guys. Then the flying monkey comes and takes them all away. It's just me and Brooke in the room, and suddenly I'm the one laying on the bed, and she's sitting beside me. That's when I wake up.

Man, those were some weird pills I took! But then again, the flying monkey had visited my dreams once before. I guess I even mentioned it in one of my podcasts. So I probably have my own crazy mind to blame. Either way, as soon as I start waking up, I hear a voice. Brooke's. "What am I gonna do about you, P. Sawyer?" Damn it! I screwed up big time, I know that. It just would've been so much easier, probably for everybody, if I'd succeeded it this time. It would've been finally over, all of it. I slowly open my eyes and they immediately meet Brooke's.

- Hey buddy.

I can't help but smile. Anyone else would freak out, yell, and probably punch me, which I'm pretty sure I deserve right now. But not Brooke. Everyone in school, the ones who call her a slut and think she's nothing more than the captain of the cheerleading squad, they have no idea who she really is. Only a few people really know her, and I'm lucky to be one of them. She is, by far, the best friend anyone could wish for.

- Hey – I answer back, surprised to notice I can barely speak.

I sit up in bed and she hands me a glass of water. I whisper a "thanks" and drink.

- So… how many more times can I expect this to happen? This is the second time already, but… who's counting, right?

I try to figure out the feeling in her voice. She's not angry, or sad, or disappointed for that matter. She's tired.

- Please, tell me that was the last time.

- I don't wanna lie to you, Brooke – I feel horrible, I really really do. But wouldn't it be even worse if I said it's over, when I know it's not? It wouldn't be fair to her. Ok, all I have to do is stop for five seconds to realize how ridiculous this is. Like any of this is fair to her!

- Then what am I supposed to do? I can't keep saving you when you don't even want to save yourself, Peyton!

- I never asked you to save me – I whisper.

- So you think I'm just gonna let you go, just like that? – she's almost yelling, pacing through the room, and then she kneels on the floor, facing me – Peyton, listen to me closely, ok? I know you're strong, I know it. You've been through so much already, and you made through it. Don't give up now. I need you to fight too, I can't fight this for you.

I don't say anything, just turn my head to the other side and close my eyes. Brooke's about to say something, when we hear a soft knock on the door.

- Lucas kinda told me what happened, I got worried.

It's Haley. I smile and gesture for her to sit near us. But, to my surprise, Brooke stands up and drags Haley out of the room. About 10 minutes later, Haley comes back alone.

- She had to go, she asked me not to leave you alone, I didn't really understand why.

- She's being protective, that's all.

I try not to show it. The sudden sadness that Brooke just left like that, the fear that, somehow, Haley finds out. Before I know it, I've already built those walls up again. I don't understand why I can't keep my guard down around Haley. We've known each other for a while now, and she's a pretty good friend. It's kinda weird when I remember how she didn't even like Brooke when we met, and now she's so much closer to Brooke than to me. Of course, Brooke being the only one there for her when she came back from the tour must've helped. And me being a total ass to her certainly didn't. Thing is, even if we're not, like, best friends, the girl knows quite a few things about me. And she surely knows this smile on my face is anything but true.

- She just left? – I ask, quietly.

- Kinda… said there was some stuff she needed to do. She seemed a little upset, though. She said she'll come back and check on you tomorrow – she's leaned against the wall, then slowly walks to my bed and sits – Peyton… why does she feel like she has to check on you?

I sigh. I knew she was gonna ask that question eventually, but that doesn't make it any easier. What am I supposed to say? "Hey, Haley, don't worry, I tried to kill myself, no big deal. I told you Brooke was overreacting." Ha ha, very funny, Peyton. Oh great, now I'm having conversations with myself again. Next thing I know, the angel of death version of me is gonna pop out of nowhere and start calling me a bitch. Maybe I really need some serious professional help. I should just call the flying monkey and ask him to bring me a shrink.

- Peyton? – she looks at me, worried. You gotta love Haley for the way she cares.

- I thought Lucas told you… - I have to know how much she knows first.

- He just said you were passed out when he and Brooke found you…

There's silence for a while, and than Haley sighs and shakes her head.

- I'm sorry. It's ok if you don't wanna talk. Although I have to tell you Brooke made me swear for Bunny's soul I wouldn't leave you alone. So, you think you can bear with me here?

- It's o… Wait! Who the hell is Bunny?

- Oh! That was the bunny I had when I was a kid.

- Dude, you had a bunny named Bunny – I say it, more of a statement than a question.

- Gosh, you sound just like Lucas when I told him – she pretends to be bothered by it, but then giggles.

- Haley, I think every normal person in the world would say the exact same thing – I smirk.

- I kinda resent the "normal" part.

- Who wants to be normal anyway, when you can be special?

- Good point – she agrees.

We smile and suddenly I feel bad that Brooke made her stay here all night when, hello, the girl's married and has a life. It's bad enough that Brooke's been worrying about me 24/7.

- Haley… you don't have to stay here all night. You have Nathan, and I… I'll be ok.

I notice a smile on her face as I say the words.

- What?

- Brooke told me you were gonna say that.

Damn you, Davis! _I_ didn't know I was gonna say that, how did _she_ know?

- It's ok, really. I called Nathan already, he has to wake up really early tomorrow anyway, so he's gonna sleep early and I'd be bored in front of the TV flipping through the channels.

- Romantic.

- Shut up! – she slaps my shoulder lightly and I laugh.

- And hey, it's not like I don't enjoy the company, I just don't want you to feel like you have to babysit or anything.

- Don't worry, I don't. Plus, we haven't hung out in a while.

- We really haven't, have we?

- With the wedding and the accident… I had a lot on my mind.

- Don't we all – I smile.

- Look, Peyton, I know we're not like, best friends, but… you know, if you need anything…

- I know – I smile thankfully, and then decide to let my guard down. Well, at least a little bit – It's just… too much stuff, you know? And it's like it never ends. I mean, what's the point in feeling happy if two seconds later something's gonna come up and ruin it anyway?

- I guess – she stops for a second and then goes on – It's one more reason for you to be as happy as you possibly can before those little moments are gone. It's makes them that much more precious.

- And when they're gone? – I ask, looking down.

- That's when we come to the scene. Your friends, the ones who care about you. That way you can keep going, so when the next happy moment comes you're strong enough to face the most of it, again. And even if you don't wanna enjoy it, bouncy Tigger also known as Brooke is probably gonna make you.

She shrugs and I laugh, and this time I'm not faking it. Haley's pretty good at this. She's been through a lot also, so she knows what she's talking about. I really gotta change some of my latest decisions. Those decisions no one can make for me. So many people find their strength somehow, that strength they didn't even know they had.

- I'm glad Brooke made you stay. Bunny must be proud of you right now.

We both laugh, then she tells me to shut up – again! – and slaps me on the shoulder – again!

- You know what? I take that back – I immediately say it, rubbing my shoulder, having fun seeing her shocked face as she points her finger at me.

- Oh! You're lucky Bunny's soul is at stake here, or I would just walk away!

Maybe I'll find it, the strength I need so much. Cause I know there'll be there, making sure I don't lose myself along the way.

_You used to think that you would never be alone  
__But you're losing control  
__You find it hard to say at all  
__To find your way back_

* * *

_I used a famous Charmed quote in this chapter, when Haley says that thing about being normal I just couldn't help myself! Just wanted to make clear that I don't own it or anything... of course I could've said I thought of it and didn't even know it was a Charmed quote, but that's how honest I am! LOL! The song used on this chapter was _Find Your Way Back Home_, by Dishwalla!_


	17. Everything will be alright

_AN: The part in italic in the middle of the chapter is a flashback!_**

* * *

**

**Chapter 17 – Everything will be alright**

_Just try your best  
__Try everything you can  
And don't you worry what they tell themselves  
__When you're away_

Have you ever watched a movie, and you see that character suffering, and you just wanna go into the movie and fix everything? Have you ever felt powerless while watching the news and seeing people dying because of a war, or a disease? And on both cases you can only watch and hope for the best. Completely powerless. That's how I feel now, every time I look at Peyton. I thought being there for her, making sure she wasn't alone would be enough, but she's sinking way too deep now, and I'm not even sure she can see my hand, reaching out to help her anymore. I'm suddenly not so sure if she'll ever go back to being the person she was. So when I see Haley by the door, it seems like a good idea to get away for a while. Peyton can't see me like that, she can't see that I'm losing hope on her. God, it hurts so much to even think of admitting it. I look at Haley as soon as we leave Peyton's room.

- Brooke… Lucas told me about what happened, and I was so worried… why did she pass out like that?

- She… she was just weak, I guess.

- Right… first she had food poisoning at the wedding, and now she was just weak? You really think I'm buying this?

- Look… - I was gonna try to convince her everything is really ok, but who am I kidding? I can't even convince myself – I have to do something, ok? Can you watch her tonight?

- Yeah, sure, I'll just call Nathan.

- Haley… I mean it, don't leave her alone until I come back, ok? I'll come to check on her first thing in the morning. She'll tell you it's ok, that you shouldn't have to stay here, but you do, please, you _have_ to stay!

- Hey… it's ok, I'll stay, I promise – she reassures me.

- You have to swear. Swear for… - suddenly I remember something Lucas told me once – for Bunny's soul!

- How did you even… You know what? Ok, I swear – she puts her pinky up and we pinky swear. I smile and hug her.

- Thank you so much! – and, before she can say anything else, I'm out of the house.

I'm feeling so anxious… So I decide to go to the one person, other than Peyton, who knows how to calm me down. I knock on the door.

- Brooke… - Karen opens the door and hugs me. She looks a little scared.

- Hey, Karen… Is Lucas here?

- He told me, Brooke.

Om my god! I can't believe it. How could he do that to Peyton? I get it that he's worried about her, but that doesn't give him the right to tell anyone what she's done. God knows I wanted to tell Haley earlier today. Suddenly I feel even more anxious, I feel weak and my hands are shaking. And then I feel it, a sharp pain on my stomach. My hands immediately go to my belly, trying to protect my baby from the pain I'm feeling. I bend in pain, and I hear Karen.

- Brooke! Honey, is it the baby? Does it hurt?

That's when I realize what she meant by "he told me". He didn't tell her about Peyton. He told her about me. My pregnancy. Our baby. And right now, I don't know what's going on, I can't even breathe. Lucas rushes near us.

- Brooke? What's going on?

I can't answer. I see Lucas grabbing the car keys, and before I know it I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm crying, scared for the baby. Lucas is holding my hand, with his other arm wrapped around my shoulders. We get to the hospital and I still haven't said a word. I still feel the pain, it won't go away. I feel like I'm about to faint, but I fight, with all my strength, to stay awake. It doesn't take long till a doctor sees me. After a few exams he comes back into my room. Lucas is holding my hand, he hasn't let go since the cab.

- Ms Davis… you had an anxiety attack. It's nothing serious, and you don't have to worry, your baby is fine.

At that moment, I see Lucas' relieved expression as he lets out a sigh and squeezes my hand. I smile too, surprised at how afraid I got at the thought of losing my baby. The doctor goes on.

- These attacks are usually caused by excessive stress, so I highly recommend that you have some rest for a couple of days. And… stress, worries, it's never good, specially when you're pregnant, so just avoid it as much as you can, alright?

- Then my baby will be alright? – I ask, putting my hand on my stomach. The doctor smiles.

- Everything looks great, Ms Davis. You and the baby are perfectly healthy. We'll just run a couple more tests, and I wanna keep you here overnight, just so we can make sure everything's alright. Is that ok with you?

- Yeah, sure. Anything for my baby. Thanks, Dr. Grant.

He smiles and leaves the room. Lucas strokes my hair with one hand, his other one resting on top of mine on my belly. He kisses my forehead.

- You ok there, Pretty Girl?

- I guess, now I am – I smile at him.

- What happened? You got to my house, you seemed so nervous…

- It's just… this whole thing with Peyton. I don't know what to do anymore.

- Well, she's ok for now?

- Yeah, Haley's with her. She woke up, she seems ok.

- So… why don't you just stop thinking about it for now? We'll talk to her tomorrow, make sure she's alright. But right now, let's just worry about this little kid of ours, ok?

- I was so scared, Luke. I know this baby wasn't in our plans, but… I don't know what I'd do if something happened.

- I know, I felt the same way. I already love this little baby so much.

- You do? – I look at him, my eyes tearing up.

- Of course I do. And if it's half as beautiful, and loving, and amazing as its mom… how can I not love it?

I hug him and cry at his words. We hear a soft knock on the door. Karen enters.

- Hey, how's that grandchild of mine? – she sits by a chair near me and Lucas.

- It's ok… everything's fine. And Karen… about the baby…

- Don't worry, Brooke. When Lucas told me, well… it was hard.

_Karen looks at her son, and he can only feel anger in her voice when she starts talking._

_- How could you be so reckless, Lucas? God, after everything that's happened, after that scare last year… you'd think you two would be more careful than that – Lucas doesn't say a word, just looks down. Karen sighs, and then speaks again, more calm, putting her hand on Lucas' shoulder – How's Brooke doing?_

_- She's scared… we both are, mom. But this time, it's different. We're together again, and I'm crazy in love with her. I know we can do this, but we're gonna need a little help._

_- Just… just go to your room, I need to be alone for a while, ok?_

_- Mom, I'm sorry – Lucas tries to talk to her once again, but doesn't get any answer. So he turns around and leaves._

- But when I saw you, and when you started feeling that pain. I actually got scared for this baby. And yeah, it wasn't planned, and it's too soon for you to be a mom. But it's a baby, nonetheless. How can I not be happy with a brand new baby on the way? Well, two – she puts her hand on her own stomach and I gasp.

- What? You're pregnant too? – she nods happily and I hug her – that's so amazing, we're pregnant together!

- Brooke… it's not easy, you know that, right?

I just nod, relieved for the fact that she's not mad at me. But I'm also afraid with the whole "it's not gonna be easy" thing.

- So I was thinking about it… and maybe you should come live with us – I can't believe she asked me that. It's gonna be great being around Karen, someone who can help me with everything, well, we can help each other through our pregnancies.

- Oh my god, Karen, are you serious?

- Mom… I can't believe it – Lucas hugs her too – You're the best.

I love the idea, it's perfect. It's more than perfect. Too bad I can't say yes.

- Karen, this is amazing, and you have no idea how much it means to me. But I can't move in with you now. I mean, there are some things I have to take care of…

I try to be as vague as possible. Lucas looks at me understandingly, and, fortunately, Karen doesn't push it.

- Alright. But whenever you're ready, the offer still stands. You're always welcome.

I smile and she kisses my forehead.

- I'm gonna go home, ok? Luke, I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah, I can't leave my girl alone here, can I?

Karen says goodbye and leaves.

- It's cause of Peyton, isn't it? – he asks me and I nod – Brooke… I love Peyton, and I want her to be ok, but I don't want you to have another anxiety attack and have to come to the hospital again. The doctor just said… you have to avoid any kind of stress.

- I know that, Luke. But until she gets better, I'll be even more stressed if I'm not around to make sure she's ok.

- Brooke…

- Hey, I promise. We're gonna be alright. My and our baby. And Peyton. We're all gonna be fine – I sigh and suddenly feel tired. Lucas gently kisses me. "We're all gonna be fine", I keep telling myself until I finally give in to sleep.

_It just takes some time  
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride  
Everything, everything will be just fine  
Everything, everything will be alright  
Alright_

_

* * *

__Finally a new chapter, huh? I'm sorry I haven't updated this story lately, but I've been writing a lot, only the other stories! So today I've decided to triple update! So there's a new chapter for each one of my stories! Check That I Would Be Good and Someone Like Me out too, and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading! _

_Song: _The Middle_, by Jimmy Eat World. _


	18. What else can I do?

_I know I hadn't updated in a long time, and I'm really sorry for that, thing is I've been focusing more on my other story, Someone Like Me, that you should all read and review too, btw, hehe! I haven't had much time to write lately, but I was finally able to write one more chapter, and here it is. I promise you I'm doing my best not to take too long between the updates! I'm trying to write a new story, a really short one, only 6 chapters long, all drama! And as soon as I have something I'll put it here. Anyway, on with the story. Hope you like it, and please review. Please, please, pretty please?_**

* * *

**

**Chapter 18 – What else can I do?**

_You read my eyes just like your diary  
__Oh remember, please remember  
__Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more  
__If I hurt you, then I hate myself  
__I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you_

Peyton's POV:

- Oh my god, I think I'm gonna pass out – Haley says, better yet, whines.

She had the amazing idea of ordering an extra large pizza just for the two of us. And dude, that girl can eat! So it's no wonder she can barely stand up and feels like she ate a cow. She might as well have. We're still laughing when she remembers Nathan wanted her to give Lucas some message about practice or whatever. She calls Lucas' house.

- Hey, Karen, is Lucas there? What? Why, is it serious? – she starts to freak out, but tries not to show it. To anyone who doesn't know it, here's the first thing about Haley: she's the worst liar I know – Ok… yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, Karen. Bye.

She hangs up and I jump in front of her.

- What happened? Is he ok?

- Ok, first of all, Karen swore it's nothing serious, but they wanted to keep her overnight at the hospital just to…

- HER? But you call Lucas' home and Karen's fine, so who… - at that moment I stop as realization sinks in – Brooke…

- Yeah, but she'll be ok, she just wasn't feeling well.

- What was she feeling?

- I'm sure it's nothing…

- Haley James Scott! You know something you're not telling, so spill!

She stays quiet for a moment, avoiding eye contact, but then lets out a sigh.

- Fine… when she left here, she went to Lucas. Karen said she was really nervous when she got there, then she started to shake… she had an anxiety attack. But she's fine now, and the baby too, they're both fine – she quickly adds that last part.

But I'm barely listening to her right now. Instead, I'm running to get my coat, halfway through the door. That's when I hear her voice behind me.

- What are you doing?

- Going to the hospital. You're coming?

- Peyton, it's late already. Visiting hours are over, they won't even let you see her.

- Oh, I would LOVE to see them trying to stop me!

All this determination has a name. A pretty simple one, and yet something that can consume you in the worst possible way: guilt. She's pregnant, for god's sake! And all she's done lately is worry about me. And I let her worry, cause I was too afraid to think of what could happen if I didn't. But it has to stop now.

- So, you're just gonna sit there? – I ask Haley one more time.

- Of course I'll go. She'll probably kick my ass if I let you go by yourself – she grabs her purse and we go to my car.

The drive to the hospital is silent. I can't even count how many time I've been to that damn place over the last week. But being the one visiting someone is so much worse than being the one who's actually in there. When we get there, I see Brooke's car parked outside and remember how she'd left it there earlier today, when we went to see Sarah. And here it comes again: more guilt. Haley and I get inside and go straight to one of the nurses.

- Excuse me. Could you please tell me what room Brooke Davis is in?

- I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over, so unless you're close family…

- She's my sister – I say, before she says anything else.

God, if I hear this 'close family' crap one more time I'm gonna have to start delivering some serious ass kickings. But hey, least this time I thought I'd spare us all the lecture and just tell a little white lie. Which is not a complete lie, really, she actually is like a sister to me. And, apparently, being a best friend means nothing in this hospital, even if said best friend knows the patient way better than stupid close family who doesn't give a damn.

- Oh, ok then. You can see her, but she needs rest, so it has to be quick – nurse woman then looks at Haley – And you are?

Haley opens her mouth to answer, but I'm faster.

- Cousin – I grin at the woman. I'm not sure she's totally convinced, but she doesn't say anything else, Haley and I following close behind.

- Twenty minutes, tops, ok? – she says, and I nod.

- Thanks – surprise! I _can_ be nice to people, as long as they don't give me reasons not to. And this nurse seemed nice and actually let us in, so I thank her and smile.

We open the door and I'm surprised to see Lucas there. And then I realize it's pretty stupid to be surprised, of course he'd stay there with her. We slowly enter the room. Brooke's asleep, Lucas holding her hand. It's still hard to see him with her, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Just as hard as it was for me to tell her to go make things right with him, or hearing she was pregnant with his baby. But when you love someone as much as I love those two, you learn to deal with it. Sure, it'd probably be easier to just run back to Jake and stay away from Lucas, but it wouldn't be fair to Jake. He said it himself, I needed to figure things out, and he's right. I need to learn how to put all these feelings for Lucas aside. I need to be able to look at Lucas, hug him, talk to him, and only see a friend. I owe it to Jake. Hell, I even owe it to Brooke. But most of all, I owe it to myself. Thing is, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to. But I'm willing to try. I'm just scared of what's that gonna cost me.

Haley walks to Luke and hugs him. He then looks at me and comes in my direction, wrapping his arms around me, protectively, before looking in my eyes.

- How are you?

- Better. Thanks to you two – I point my head at him and Brooke – I didn't have time to thank you before, so… thanks – I smile.

- It's ok, as long as you're fine. Look, Peyton, could we… maybe… talk outside?

That definitely took me by surprise. No, we can't! Cause I know exactly what you wanna talk to me about, mister, and I don't wanna think about it now. But, of course, I don't actually say any of that, instead I just nod my head as he opens the door. Haley's already sitting by Brooke's bed, where Lucas was, and when she sees us she just whispers, as if she already knew what Lucas was gonna ask her:

- I'll watch her – she smiles.

We go outside and sit on those horrible chairs they have in the waiting room.

- Is she really gonna be ok, Luke? – I ask, facing the floor.

- Actually… - he starts, a little uneasy – That's kind of up to you.

If I could barely look at him before, now I wish I could bury my head somewhere. It's my fault she's here. He didn't say it, but he doesn't have to. He knows it just as much as I do.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stress her out like that, I wasn't thinking, and… if I knew that it'd affect her like that… I'm really sorry – I actually lift my head up and look at him while I say the last words.

- How could it not affect her, Peyton? It's you… And what you did today, it scared the hell out of her – he says in a calm, but worried, tone – and me too.

Damn it, Lucas, stop making things so hard on me!

- It won't happen again – I try to sound as sure as possible.

- Good. Cause you know I'm here for you, right? We all care about you, and I know none of us could stand losing you. So whatever's going on, don't try to handle it all by yourself, ok?

I nod and bite my bottom lip, letting a few tears fall. He hugs me, and I hug him back. _Don't try to handle it all by yourself_. As soon as he says it, I realize. That's exactly what I have to do. And that's why I'm crying. Because, as from this moment, I'm gonna have to do this alone. It's the only way to protect them, to keep them from hurting or worrying.

Suddenly Brooke's room's door opens and Haley looks at me.

- She woke up, and refuses to go back to sleep till she talks to you.

I immediately look at Lucas.

- Don't worry. I promise you she'll be fine – I tell him.

With that, I go into her room, closing the door behind me. She's a little pale. She smiles at me, but seems tired, in more than one way. I sit on the chair by her bed and take her hand.

- So, you wanted to get even and worry the hell out of my too, huh? – I say, gently squeezing her hand.

- Maybe – she smiles – I don't know why you complained so much about this place. Bed's pretty comfy.

I have to roll my eyes at her comment, and even laugh a little.

- I'm sorry, you know, for everything I've been putting you through. It's not fair.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about this whole thing… I guess… I just dumped all these things on you, and didn't even consider how it could affect you…

- Don't – her voice is soft, but firm – It affects me, of course it does. But don't think for a second that I'll stop worrying or helping because of it. I'm in this with you, Sawyer, and I'm not going anywhere.

- But, Brooke…

- No. And if you insist on it, then you're actually gonna make me nervous, and you don't want that, do you? Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

- And the baby?

Karen said it, Lucas said it, but it's like I need to hear Brooke say it to actually believe.

- The baby was missing its fake blonde godmother, but I think it's ok now – she says it while resting her free hand over her stomach.

I can't help but laugh again and hug her. It seems so easy when it's just the two of us. To be happy for her. To smile. Not to worry so much. That is, until Lucas steps into the room, and everything's a mess in my head again. Weird thing is, it's not doubt. In my head and in my heart, I've already chosen Jake. If we could measure love, well, I know I love Jake more. But that doesn't change the fact that I still love Lucas, and even if it's a little bit, every little bit hurts.

Before I pull away from Brooke, I hear the nurse's voice.

- I'm sorry, miss, but your sister needs some rest now.

I look at Brooke, who seems confused for like a second, but quickly understands what's going on and winks at me. I look at the woman.

- I'll be out in a sec – and after she leaves, I turn back to Brooke – It was the only way they'd let me in.

- Or you could always try yelling at the doctor, you'll find it can work pretty well, too.

- So I've heard. Oh, Haley's our cousin, by the way! – I inform her, while everyone laughs.

- Ok, we really have to go, the woman does not look happy – Haley says, looking out of the door.

I look at Brooke and hug her again.

- I love you.

- I love you too – she says while hugging me back – Thanks for coming.

- Take care of her, ok? – I tell Luke as I say goodbye to him and leave the room.

Haley's saying goodbye, too, and I can hear Brooke telling her the same thing. _Take care of her, ok?_ I can't help but smile. Things are gonna be harder from now on. But at least she won't have another anxiety attack anytime soon. Not if I can help it.

_I won't be your winter  
__I won't be anyone's excuse to cry  
__We can be forgiven  
__And I will be here_

* * *

**Song: **Your Winter, by Sister Hazel 


	19. All you dreamed

_I finally had some time to write one more chapter of this story! I don't know if anyone still reads it, but hey, I haven't given up on it, and I don't plan to! I wanted to write something a little lighter than usual, just like I did with the latest chapter of _Someone Like Me_. Things have been pretty hectic in college, but I'll finally have a break in two of three weeks, and than I'll be able to focus more on my stories, and, trust me, I'll be writing as much as humanly possible! Oh, and don't forget to check out the last chapter of _Our Farewell_, and please review!_

* * *

**Chapter 19 - All you dreamed**

_I guess it's all for the taking  
I guess it's all yours and mine  
My sister says I got to see it and believe it  
And I believe it, I believe it_

Brooke's POV:

- Ouch! I know, baby, I know, you can't stand aunt Peyton's weird music, too. Let's remedy that, shall we? – I rub my stomach, hoping the baby will stop kicking once I change the cd.

- Shut up! – Peyton slaps my arm as I change the song – She's kicking again? You know, she always does that when my cd's are playing. I think she's dancing!

- She? – I raise my eyebrow. Peyton keeps referring to this baby as a girl, even though we won't find out the sex till next week. The last couple of times Lucas and I went to the OB/GYN, the baby's position didn't allow us to find out the sex, and it's driving us all crazy!

- Come on, you know it's a girl just as much as I do – she says, sitting next to me and putting her hand on my stomach – So, here's the thing, little baby, let's prove your mom you're a girl, shall we? Come on, just kick once if I'm right, just kick once.

I roll my eyes.

- Peyton, do you really think…? Whoa! – we both jump when the baby actually kicks once more – Oh my god, she kicked!

- See? Told ya! – Peyton says, proudly, and goes to the bathroom – So, you're up to school today? – she yells, while brushing her teeth.

- Yeah, I guess so – I yell back, still lying in bed.

- Good – she comes back into the room – The move your ass before we get late.

I look at her while she moves around the room. Since a few months ago, when I had to go to the hospital after the anxiety attack, I could say my pregnancy's been pretty normal, I didn't really have anything else to worry about. At least not concerning my baby. With Peyton, though, it's a little different. I mean, she's been acting different since that day. She does seem better, but when I try to talk to her about it, she always finds a way to change the subject. That's why I haven't left her place, yet, even though the baby's coming in less than three months. Lucas' been around a lot, and it doesn't seem to bother her anymore. Truth is I've had a lot going on lately, too, so it's hard to really know what happens with her. She stops and sits by my side.

- Are you planning on changing anytime soon or you're going on your pj's? Cause if you're doing that, then I'm gonna have to pretend I don't know you – she grins. She's fine. She _has_ to be fine. No one can lie that well.

- Okay, I'm changing- I whine as she helps me up and I go to the closet.

We go to school and I see Rachel coming in our direction.

- Hey, crazy bitch.

- Fat ass slut – she smiles as she gives me a quick hug – And Peyton – she hugs her, too.

I felt bad for Rachel, after everything that's happened at the hospital. Cooper left, and didn't even want to see her after he found out she lied about being pregnant. She was a mess, really, and, being the bitch she is, didn't have any friends, so I thought maybe I could be there for her. We're not best friends or anything, but we talk and hang out, and since she found out I was pregnant she's never even tried she's never even tried anything else with Lucas, so that's good enough for me. Haley wasn't too happy with it, though, so I have to dodge those two whenever we talk. Peyton's gotten a little closer to Rachel, too.

Rachel and I are babbling about something, and laughing, when I notice Peyton's too quiet.

- I'll go to the bathroom, ok? – she says, all of a sudden. She's being doing that sometimes, getting away from me out of the blue, and I'm getting the feels something's not right.

- Ok, I'll go with you – I give her a concerned look, she just shakes her head.

- It's ok, you'll be late for class – she looks at me and smiles – I can go to the bathroom by myself, you know? – she laughs, and seems truthful, so I relax a little – Talk to you later – she turns around and waves as she walks inside.

- I'm not saying it's not a little weird – Rachel starts, carefully referring to Peyton – But you're probably overreacting. I mean, you said it yourself, she does seem better, doesn't she?

- I think so. But it's more than that, Rachel – I sigh and look at Peyton walking away. Rachel doesn't know what happened right after the wedding, she probably wouldn't be so sure if she did.

- Look, we'll keep an eye on her, alright? – she locks her arm with mine as we start walking to class.

When we get there, I see Lucas and he immediately comes in my direction, kissing me softly on the lips and smiling.

- Hey, pretty girl – then he looks down at my belly and rubs it in circles – Hey, pretty baby – he whispers so that only we can hear it – How are you today?

How can things _not_ be okay when he's around me? He's so protective lately, always wanting to make sure the baby and I are fine, that I don't need anything, that I'm getting enough rest. I even forget that I was worrying about something.

- We're both great, thank you very much – I smile. He kisses me one more time before sitting, right about the time the teacher comes in. It's hard to believe I even thought about breaking up with Lucas. Hell, I did! For like a day, but still… Pretty soon the baby kicks again, and my hand instinctively goes to where I felt it. Lucas sees it and smiles.

- He's doing it again?

- Actually, _she_'s doing it again – I grin.

- Don't tell me Peyton got you convinced – he whines in the cutest way – Not fair, though, she gets to spend more time with you.

I shrug and then laugh.

- Aw, baby, you're jealous? Just cause Peyton's probably right about the sex of our baby and you're not?

He gives me a fake smile that I return, and gets a little grumpy – You'll see it in a few days. My boy's gonna show you all – he says, while tickling my belly, making me giggle.

- Oh my god, you two are nauseating – Rachel mumbles behind us, annoyed – And you might wanna stop if you don't wanna get kicked out of class, cause the guy's already glared at you twice – she points to the teacher.

- Oh come on, Rachel, we know you'll pay attention and explain everything there's to know about… about… what class are we in, again? – Lucas looks at me and I slap his arm, playfully. We both laugh and Rachel rolls her eyes, going back paying attention, or at least pretending to.

He's lighten up. Lucas is different, ever since I left the hospital. He's joking around, he's calm, he seems… happy. Not even broody anymore, just… truly happy.

* * *

- Davis? Brooke Davis? – the woman looks around the room as I get up, Peyton and Lucas soon doing the same. Usually it's just me and Lucas, but, on her own words, Peyton wanted to _laugh at his face right away once we find out it's a girl_. Those two have been acting like kids the whole week. Not that I mind. Makes me laugh, actually. She seems comfortable with our situation now, with Lucas and I being together and having a baby on the way. But then again, I could be wrong. I can't tell these days. 

I remember the first time I walked into this place. Lucas was with me, and we were both so nervous. I kept looking around, afraid that I'd see someone from school and they'd find out. I was ashamed, and every time I remember that, I feel guilty. It wasn't easy when they found out. '_I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner', 'How will she know who the father is?'_ and _'I hope it's not mine'_ were just some of the things I had to hear. It went on for a couple of days, till Haley found me one day, sobbing, in the bathroom. Up until that moment I hadn't let it get to me. But then I heard someone saying I would probably be worse to this baby than my parents were to me, and that I couldn't stand to think. Since I found out about the baby, that'd been my worst fear. Haley and I talked, and she managed to convince me that I'm really different from my parents, and made sure to tell me I can be a great mom, and that my baby will be proud of me. Of course, that only made me cry harder at the time, but eventually I calmed down. Lucas and I had agreed to just ignore the comments, but after Peyton found out about what happened she slapped the guy in the hall, in between classes. After that, all it took was a few sideways glances from Lucas, or Nathan, Peyton, Haley, myself, or even Rachel, to make them stop. Lucas made a point in showing everyone how proud he was that he was gonna be a father, he didn't want to hide it. With time, all the whispering and the gossiping faded. We have an unsaid vow: I'm never gonna be like my mom, he's never gonna be like Dan. Our kid will be proud of us.

- Good afternoon, everyone. Wow, this place is crowded today! – Dr. Coleman greets us, as always, with a smile, as we walk into her huge office. I sit by the bed, Lucas and Peyton walking closer to me.

- Dr. Coleman, you know Lucas. And this is…

- Peyton, the godmother – Peyton cuts me and shakes hands with the woman, proudly, making us all laugh.

- Oh, so you're the famous godmother!

- Huh, so I see they've talked about me? – she asks, all full of herself, and I quickly shrug.

- Once or twice – I say it before the doctor opens her mouth, making the woman laugh.

- Yeah, sure, once or twice – Dr. Coleman says, still laughing. Peyton just smirks – Okay, let's get this baby checked, then. See if it's not so shy today. So, any guesses today?

- Yeah, Lucas _guesses_ it's a boy. Brooke and I don't guess. We _know_ it's a girl.

- You're especially perky today – Lucas comments.

- I'm just excited that I'll see my niece for the first time.

- You mean your neph…

- AND the look on your face when you see I'm right – she cuts him off before he can finish.

- Well, as much fun as I'm having with you two – I start as I lay down and get ready for the exams – I'm too curious to know – I say, excitedly, as Lucas holds my hand and stands next to me. The doctor puts the familiar gel on my belly, and see Peyton looking at the screen, expectantly. When the sound of the baby's heartbeats fills the room, I can see her eyes tearing up, and lift my other hand to reach hers. She looks back at me, for a second, before quickly turning back to the screen.

- She's amazing – Peyton whispers, quietly.

- Yes – Dr. Coleman says, a smile appearing on her face as she looks at me – Yes, she is.

It takes me a while to really get it, and I look from the woman, to Lucas, who's looking at the screen, to Peyton, who seems too hypnotized to even know what's going on.

- Did you just say 'she'? – I ask her, wanting to make sure, and, to that, Lucas finally looks back at me, in time to see the doctor nodding – We're having a baby girl – I say it in a whisper, between tears of happiness. He smiles. The brightest, happiest smile I've ever seen on his face. Then I look back at Peyton, and shake her hand – Peyton?

She slowly turns to face me, and I see a huge smile forming on her face before she turns to Lucas.

- Told ya! – she says it like a little kid. The two of us suddenly start clapping our hands and laughing, making Lucas and the doctor smile at the image. She hugs me, both of us crying.

I look back at Lucas to see him looking at the image, looking at our baby in complete silence, just watching her. And we all stay in silence, too. Nothing but the sound of her heartbeats. It seems to complete us all in a way I never thought possible. Lucas slowly comes near me as Peyton moves away a little. Se gives me a soft kiss on the lips and strokes my hair. He turns back to Peyton, the three of us just looking at each other.

- I told you it was a girl – she says it one more time, making us laugh.

- You're never gonna let this one go, are you? – he pulls her in a side hug.

- Never.

- You know what? I don't even care right now. I'm having a baby girl. We're having a baby girl!

- The most beautiful baby girl ever – Peyton adds – and, of course, the most spoiled one, too – she shrugs, receiving a slap from each side, from me and Lucas – Come on, you both know it's true.

- Yeah – I say, resting my head back and relaxing at the image of my baby girl – You're probably right – I smile, and think of my daughter. I wonder if she knows how loved she already is, even before she's born. It doesn't matter. She already has my heart, completely. She's already the best part of me.

_Delicious surprise  
Now I do believe  
No fear in my eyes  
Now I can see  
Heaven's inside, inside, inside  
I knew it all the time_

_

* * *

**Song:** Delicious Surprise, by Beth Hart._


	20. Another little white lie

_Really sorry, again, it took me so long. But I've got the rest of the story figured out now, so I don't think I'll take too long to UD from now on. I'll try to alternate updates on this story with the ones on Someone Like Me. Oh, and make sure to check my new oneshot that I put up here yesterday: No Angel, No Sin._**

* * *

**

**Chapter 20 – Another Little White Lie**

_I told another lie today  
__And I got through this day  
__No one saw through my games…_

Peyton's POV:

Things got better after that day, in the hospital. For a while, at least, things got better. I guess they noticed I got quieter, different, but at least I could look at their faces and see they were all happy. That was enough to keep me happy, too. Or at least before Brooke started spending the night at Lucas'. It wasn't that they were together, but the fact that I was alone. I learned to be ok with those two, I'm learning to love Lucas as a friend, and nothing more. It's hard to explain why I still felt like cutting. Maybe cause I don't have a reason anymore. That night I realized how terrified I was to be alone. But I didn't know why. I was scared cause I might cut, and I wanted to cut cause I was scared. I called my dad, he actually picked up this time. There was so much I wanted to say, but I ended up just saying I missed him. He told me it could take him a little longer to come back, asked if it was ok with me. _Of course dad, it's ok._ I looked at the drawing I made last year, while I was still with Nathan as I lied to my dad once again. _It's NOT ok._ That was when the downfall started, after a couple of weeks. But I was more careful this time. I made sure no one noticed. Pretty pathetic, really, saying I was careful about cutting. I try to fight it, sometimes, I really do, but it's so damn hard! When I started, I kept telling myself I was doing it cause I was a mess, and I felt things I didn't wanna feel, I said things I didn't mean, and it all got to be too much. But now I keep trying to justify it with anything. I have to find reasons, cause, if I don't, then I'll have to admit everyone was right, and I should've stopped.

I talked to Sarah a couple more times, cause I had to, and told her I hadn't cut all over the past couple of days, which wasn't a lie, at the time. She recommended therapy, so that I could make sure to get better, and gave me this card of some other woman who's supposed to be very good. I smiled and got up, tearing the card and throwing it in the first trashcan I saw. I don't doubt the woman is good, and can actually help a lot of people, but I just know that talking to some random person about my feelings isn't gonna make this go away. Especially if I have no intention of stopping. Do I think it's right? Pretty? Hell, no. I know it's stupid. I just wish it didn't feel so damn relieving every single time. More than trying to talk to someone, more than crying, more than… I don't know, ripping the heads off my dolls, like I did when my mom died. And I'm not hurting anyone else. Well, as long as they don't know about it, it can't hurt them, right? And it's not like I'm sad all the time. I'm not. Most of the time, when I'm at school, or distracted, doing something fun, I don't even think about it. I even get a little hopeful, that's it's all gone for good, but it always comes back somehow.

That's one of those times. Brooke and Rachel are talking happily about god knows what while all these thoughts drift through me head. I touch my purse and can almost feel it there, burning a hole.

- I'll go to the bathroom, ok?

- Ok, I'll go with you – Brooke immediately says, looking at me with a concerned expression. She knows something's up, of course she does. But I'm hoping she has no idea as to what it is. I shake my head.

- It's ok, you'll be late for your first class – I shrug, trying to sound as casual as possible, and then smile – I can go to the bathroom by myself, you know?

With that I turn and walk inside the school. I even smile at some people who pass me by, before locking myself in a stall inside the bathroom. I can't help it, I sit and lower my head, supporting it with my hands. God, I'm about to do it again, and I don't care. The tears don't fall this time. Most of the time they don't, now. I reach for my purse. I don't want to, but at the same time I do. It's more like I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I know I'll do it anyway. I take the razor, I look at it, and let it slide through my arm once again. I don't feel it, but I see the blood. I used to gasp at the sight on the beginning. I don't, anymore. There's only a few droplets falling, but with each one, a little bit of the pain is released. It's so fast, for too little time, and it never lasts. But, at least for now, it's gone. I grab a bit of the toilet paper and try to clean it, and I actually smile for a moment. It's sick, I know, but I do. The bleeding stops after a few minutes, at least it's not that much blood anymore, so I can pull my sleeves back down and leave, walk to my first class. With Nathan. We talk from time to time, but he has no idea of anything, really.

- You ok, Peyton? You look a little pale – he gives me the same concerned look Brooke gave me not too long ago.

I must look like hell, really.

- Yeah… upset stomach, that's all – I shrug – I think it's from watching Brooke feeling sick all the time. I swear I'm afraid of feeling the contractions, too, when she goes into labor. These things are contagious when you live under the same roof.

We both let out a laugh.

- Well, good thing Hales' not pregnant, then. Cause midterms are hard enough without me having to feel sick and nauseous.

- Yeah... but it's pretty amazing, you know? When she moves, you can almost feel her tiny hands there and… she's so real. She's not just a bump on Brooke's belly, she's this whole little person.

- You're pretty crazy about the kid already, huh?

- How could I not be? Besides, I heard you and Lucas talking, and it seems like you're already drooling for your niece, too.

- Oh, you heard us – he gives me a shy smile, embarrassed.

- Nathan Scott, you're blushing – I tease him.

- Shut up, Sawyer! – it's all he says before the two of us laugh.

It's moments like that I was talking about. Moments when it seems nothing's wrong and life can be truly good. That is until out teacher enters and starts talking about Physics. That's when one realizes how boring life can actually be.

The morning passes by slowly till it's time for lunch. Mouth and I walk to the cafeteria, laughing at Skills, who fell asleep during Literature and actually started snoring till Bevin woke him up. We get our food and walk to the table, where Sleepy Beauty already is, along with Bevin, Rachel, and both Scott brothers.

- Hey, Peyton. Brooke was looking for you after your Lit class. Said you weren't there anymore when her class ended – Lucas says.

- Ok… where is she now?

- She had to stop by the bathroom, should be here in a couple of minutes.

He doesn't even finish the words when Brooke and Haley come bouncing to the table, peck their respective guys' lips and finally sit.

- P. Sawyer! We were just planning some details on your birthday party. Now, I wanna do it on Haley and Nathan's place, but Tutor Girl had a good point. It'd be too small… and the last time, someone… well… Tim, but whatever, got arrested. So we'll do it in your place. Which, you know, makes more sense and there's enough space for everyone…

- I didn't even know I was having a birthday party – I look, scared, from one girl to another, after I recompose from my friend's never ending babble – And what do you mean by 'enough space for everyone'? How many people are you planning to invite?

- The whole school – Brooke says, dismissively – Anyway, I was thinking we could…

- Brooke! – I lift my hand up and put it over her mouth to get her to stay quiet for two seconds – I don't want a huge party. Plus, do you even remember how pregnant you are?

She quickly grabs my arm to take it away, which makes me cringe for a split second. No one notices, though. No one but her. She then stares at me in disbelief for a moment and turns to everyone else, as if nothing happened.

- Well, as it turns out, I'm only six months pregnant, I can still go, I'll just have to call it a night a little earlier…

- Which will be kinda hard if the party takes place in your house – Nathan states, and I point at him, nodding my head in agreement.

- Thank you, that's exactly where I was getting at. And did you just choose not to hear me saying I don't want a party?

- Brooke can go to my place – Lucas interferes – Nate, Mouth, Skills and I will help you clean up after it's over.

Brooke claps her hands and squeals, excitedly. I roll my eyes and give up telling them I don't want it. So I just sigh and shrug my shoulders.

- Fine, you win.

- Yay, it's gonna be so great! Ok, we have a week to do it. Tutor Girl, you'll help me decorating, and then the three of us can go shopping for clothes…

- Excuse me? May I remind you of the other girls on the table in serious need of some quality shopping time? – Rachel points at herself and Bevin.

- Yeah, you're definitely in need of something, but it's not shopping time – Haley mumbles under her breath, making me chuckle and Brooke elbow her. Luckily, Rachel's doesn't listen, or at least doesn't show it.

- Sorry, so let me rectify that. The five of us will go shopping for clothes, while our strong men will set up the sound and all that crap.

- Damn it, dawg, they already got us doing the hard work – Skills turns to Lucas, who only lifts his shoulders in acceptance.

- Yeah, Skills, you'll help, right? Unless you've got a good nap already scheduled for that day. In that case, I wouldn't dare to get in your way – I grin and Mouth, I swear to god, is really close to having orange juice flying out of his nose as he laughs.

- Yo, I told ya I was resting my eyes.

- Dude, you were snoring! – Mouth says, trying to recompose himself.

- Aw, baby, it's ok. You looked so cute there! – Bevin turns his face to the side and they kiss. The fact seems to stop him from caring what the rest of us were talking or laughing about.

Lunch time is soon over and each of us starts to spread out to our different classes. I quickly start walking to mine when I hear rushed steps after me.

- Peyton!

She calls me, and stops, trying to regain her breath. I have to stop, too, and turn around. She scans my face but I avoid eye contact. If I don't, she'll read me like a Vogue magazine.

- I'll meet you after school? – she says, sadly, deciding this wasn't the place for that talk.

- Actually, I was gonna meet Rachel and Mouth for some CD browsing. But I'll see you later at home, ok?

- Ok – she sighs, disappointed, and nods. Then looks at me one more time before meeting Lucas and Nathan out in the hall.

And, after school, I actually go to the mall and check some CDs, but not with Rachel. Or Mouth. Just me. I really hadn't walked by myself in a while, and I feel good. I browse through the albums and listen to some stuff. Thing is, when it comes to music, I don't even feel time passing by, so when I realize what time it is, I see the store's about to close. After walking some more and trying to get my thoughts in order, I start walking back home. The cold breeze hits my arm and my wrist hurts for a moment. I see people walking around, happy, most of them. It seems like they're looking at me, judging. Like they know everything. _You should be ashamed of yourself._ I can almost hear them thinking. And then I realize how absurd this is. Like they don't have lives of their own, and more important things to think about. I fasten my pace and finally get home. I open the door carefully, it's late already and I don't wanna wake Brooke up. But, as I walk inside, I hear the television. She's lying on the couch, apparently not paying attention to the screen.

- It's late – she says, quietly, as she starts to sit up, but I stop her before she does. Instead, I sit and let her stretch her legs on my lap.

- Sorry… I just lost track of time, you know how it happens, a lot, when music is involved – I grin, but she's got that worried mom look plastered all over her face – I'm ok, Brooke.

- I know… I just got worried, that's all – as she says it, there's something else bothering her, I know it.

- What's wrong? – I tap her knee, lightly.

- Karen took me out to buy some baby stuff.

- Isn't that a good thing?

- It would be, if I knew how to use half of those – she whines and throws her head back on the couch. I just watch her carefully, and before I can even think of what to say, she lifts her head up again and looks straight into my eyes as she says, quietly – I'm scared, Peyton. I'm not ready for this – her eyes start to tear up, I can see she's really nervous, so I get up and kneel right in front of her.

- We've been through this already, now, haven't we? You'll never be alone in this, ever – I see she's gonna say something, but I stop her before she has the chance to – And you're not gonna be anything like your parents. Just the fact that you worry this much about it proves how different you are from them.

- It's just that… now that she's moving and I can actually feel her all the time… I don't wanna disappoint her, you know? Never. I wanna do everything right. It seems like even Lucas knows more about it than I do, god knows how!

I chuckle and help wipe a single remaining tear on her face, then reach my hand out to help her up.

- When she's out, and you look at her and you hold her… you'll know what to do. I promise.

- How can you be sure?

- I believe you can do this, simple as that.

She smiles and we go to our room. I lay down in my bed, looking up, then looking at her.

- I told you to stop worrying, Davis.

- How did you… - then she laughs, also looking up – Fine, I'll stop. But if I screw the girl up for life I'm so saying 'I told you so' – she points her finger at me, I just shrug.

- Deal – I laugh – As long as you're able to get some sleep now.

- Yeah, I think so. Thanks, Peyton. I know I've been freaking out a lot lately…

- And you have every right to, so don't worry about it.

- Right – she yawns, heavily, and turns to the side – Well, thanks for putting up with me anyway. Good night, Peyton.

She's asleep in a heartbeat. Sleep doesn't come that easily for me, though. I force myself to stay in bed, not leaving, cause if I do, something stupid might happen. And, for once, I try to fight it. So I just grab my iPod and close my eyes, trying to lose myself in a song. Or maybe find myself there.

_I need you to know  
__I'm not through the night  
__Some days I'm still fighting  
__To walk towards the light  
__I need you to know  
__That we'll be ok  
__Together we can make it through  
__Another day…_

* * *

**Songs: **Courage, by Superchick, and the title's a song by Alexz Johnson. 


	21. Tell me how

**Chapter 21 – Tell me how**

_There isn't much more I can say  
__For I don't understand the delay  
__You're asking for friendly advise  
__And remaining in permanent crisis  
__Affection is yours if you ask  
__But first you must take off your mask_

Brooke's POV:

- Baby, what's wrong? – Lucas wipes my tears, but that doesn't keep more from coming, as I sob out of control.

- Sh… she's… she's sad, and she's alone, and there's nothing anyone can do about it – I manage to let out. That's when he looks from me to the TV and seems to get it.

- Brooke, it's Bridget Jones. You've seen this before, she'll be ok – the jerk has the nerve to laugh – There's a reason we got a comedy, you know? – he says as he holds the cover of the movie in front of me.

- You think this is funny? – when he keeps laughing, I realize that it actually is. God, I really must be going crazy. I don't remember Karen mentioning she's been this hormonal lately. Nop, must be just me. I look up and meet his eyes, staring lovingly at me as we snuggle together on the couch.

- Feeling better?

- Yeah – I sigh – I'm sorry I'm so crazy lately.

He just smiles and strokes my belly, feeling our daughter moving inside.

- Stop apologizing. I love all of you. Mood swings, craziness, all of it.

_Nice. _I roll my eyes, but rest my head on his shoulder.

- Good. Cause I love all of you, too.

We keep watching the movie and eating some popcorn. It just feels right, being in his arms, protected like that. At those times I'm not even scared of what's to come.

- Move here. Come live with me – he waits for those perfect moments to say those words, cause he knows I can barely say no when we're like that. I give him the same face I always do, apologizing for not being able to say yes – You should be here when she's born, Brooke.

- I know. But she won't be born for another three months, or… two and a half, whatever. Things will be better by then.

- I thought things were already better. That's what she's saying, isn't it?

- Yeah. And I'm not buying one single word of it.

- I don't want you to spend your whole pregnancy worrying like that.

- Me neither. But I don't really have a choice in this.

- I was thinking… last year, when she started taking care of things at Tric and got involved with…

- Yeah? – I don't even like to remember the time when she used drugs. What's with her, anyway? She changed so much in so little time. Sure, she's always been the dark and depressive one, but it only meant her CDs were a little weird and her clothes were a little too dark for my taste, never more than that.

- When those things were happening, I called Jake, remember? And after he came it was like she found her strength again. He helped her in a way none of us could.

- None of us was willing to, you mean – he tries to protest, but I go on – You know that, Lucas. We all had stuff in our minds, and didn't even take the time to check on her every once in a while. I was so distant from her I didn't even know she was doing drugs till Haley babbled it out to me. I don't want things to be this way again, I can't let it happen. Plus, things with Jake are just… complicated. We can't just call him and ask him to come.

- What do you mean… - before he finishes I look at him as if saying I can't exactly tell him any details – Fine. I just thought, and I still think, he could help.

- It's just more complicated this time. But it will get better, ok?

- How can you know? You said it yourself, she says she's ok, but it's pretty obvious she's not – after a brief pause, he adds – You want me to try and talk to her?

- You're great for trying to help, Lucas, but I guess I should be the one to do this.

He nods, and does his lovely eye squinting, holding me in his arms again and kissing my forehead, which always has a soothing effect on me. But I keep thinking. She's gonna call Jake when she's ready, right? There's no reason why she wouldn't. She just needed to figure things out, and now she just needs to get better. I still didn't ask her, directly, about anything, cause I'm afraid of the truth. Cause if she's really been cutting again, then I don't know what else to do to help. And sometimes I even feel guilty about being with Lucas, afraid that it's hurting her, and making her hurt herself, too. I don't think she's lying about being ok with me and Lucas. She's just lying about being ok.

We're halfway through the movie when Karen wakes up and goes get some water at the kitchen. She sits next to us.

- So… how's the movie?

- Well, Brooke seems to think it's a drama – Lucas gets a well deserved slap in the arm from me after that. Karen just laughs.

- What about my grandkid? She still awake?

- She was up until an hour ago, but I guess she didn't like the movie that much – I say it and, by reflex, take my hands to my stomach.

- You're lucky. Mine's a party animal! Hasn't stopped moving since we had dinner.

- I still can't believe you don't wanna know the sex, mom! – Lucas protests, followed by my vigorous nod.

- I did the same thing with you. What can I say? I like to be surprised – she starts to get up to go back to bed – I'll go back to sleep, if the party kid here lets me. You two enjoy your movie.

- Good night, mom.

- Oh! Karen! – I lift my hand up, getting her attention back – Speaking of party… we're having this birthday party for Peyton the day after tomorrow, and I was wondering if maybe you could make some of your most delicious food? – I say it all in one breath, a capacity that never ceases to amaze the two people next to me. After a few laughs, Karen assures me there's no problem and she'll do something tomorrow. When she leaves the room, I realize I'm pretty tired, too, and let out a yawn.

- I guess our little girl's not the only one who's ready to go to bed, huh? – Lucas says while stroking my hair.

When I nod in agreement, he carefully gets up and I immediately miss the warmth of his arms around me.

- You're staying here tonight, right? – he asks while taking the dvd out of the player and putting it on its case.

I was actually planning on going back home and confronting Peyton once and for all, but I'm too tired right now. And I don't think I'd be able to do much if things are really as bad as I think they are with her. But she can't start to get better if she keeps pretending everything's fine. And I don't want her to spend her birthday having to hide something like this.

We go to his room, I get near him and he holds me close, safe. He kisses my stomach.

- Good night, baby girl – he whispers, then kisses my lips, softly – You too, Cheery.

Him calling me that alone brings a smile to my face, and right before I close my eyes he brings me closer to him.

- Everything will be ok, Brooke. We'll make it be ok.

- Are you talking about Peyton?

- Yeah… that and everything else.

I may be crazy, but I can swear he's talking about the baby, and I feel more relaxed. Maybe I'm not the only one who's scared, who feels overwhelmed about all that. Maybe that's his way of telling me he feels the same, but reassuring me at the same time.

I wake up the next day already smelling Karen's lunch. Almost noon already. This pregnancy's making me already lazier then I already was. We eat and talk, my hormones are much more well behaved today, so I'm actually acting like a normal person for now.

- Karen, you want some help with the dishes?

- Don't worry about it. Don't you have to go shopping with the girls, anyway, for Peyton's party?

- Shit, I do! Completely forgot!

I see Karen's face. She doesn't like me to swear now that we have babies walking around inside us. In fact, she never likes it when we swear, but now she has a better reason for it.

- Sorry – I give her my sweetest smile, which seems to do the trick. Then I turn to Lucas – Will you be at the Rivercourt?

- Probably. You wanna come back here after shopping?

- I'd love to, but I have to go home first – I don't have to say much else. He knows what I'm talking about – And after that… we'll see – I wink and he comes closer, kissing me.

- I'm gonna miss you – he whispers, leaving short kisses all over my neck. I close my eyes and smile.

- I'll sure miss you, too, Broody – my hands go to his head, his hair as the kiss starts to turn into a make out session. That's when I realize Karen's around, and stop almost immediately. Lucas looks pretty uncomfortable, too, and his mom seems to have fun with it – Oh, well, time to go – I get my purse and go skipping out of the door.

I meet the girls at the mall not too long after. Peyton and Rachel are already there, waiting at the food court.

- Hey, bitch, I was starting to think you'd all came here and conveniently forgotten to invite me – Rachel oh so nicely greets me.

- Yeah, and right now I'm starting to wonder why I didn't do that – I joke and see her as she shoves her tongue at me. Then I turn to Peyton – Hey, almost birthday girl! – I hug her, and then ask quietly, so that Rachel doesn't hear – How's everything?

- Just fine. You?

- Great!

Doesn't take too long till Bevin joins us. Haley gets there an hour late. After some scolding from everyone and a very lame excuse, she promises to buy as all some ice cream later on so the matter is settled.

- How about this one? – Haley shows us a black dress with little white dots.

- Great! – I jump enthusiastically, and notice the other girls' looks on me. Then I grin before going on with it, turning quickly to Peyton – You didn't tell me we were gonna make it a 60's theme party – I ask, as seriously as I can, and the girls burst out laughing. Haley throws the dress at me and almost tells me to go Brooke myself.

Three hours and five stores later, we're all happily eating the ice cream Haley bought and going over the last details for the party next day.

- So, I told everyone it starts at 10. So, obviously, they should be start getting there around 9 – I shrug.

- Good, so we'll get there a couple of hours earlier, move some stuff around, try to keep them from destroying the house – Rachel adds.

- What? – Peyton suddenly seems to take notice of what's going on when the words "destroying the house" come up.

- Oh, come on, honey, that house has survived more parties than I have. It'll be fine – I say, shrugging it off.

- Yeah, what the hell, you're probably right – yup, to my surprise, she just agrees and keeps eating her ice cream – Haley, this thing's delicious, I love you for getting here late – she talks with her mouth full and we all laugh.

Rachel and Bevin then go looking for decorations; Peyton, Haley and I go back to the house and try to organize some more stuff, but a couple of hours later we realize the only thing we did was trying out the new clothes and gossiping. So we decide to leave the hard work for the boys to do the next day.

- So, I guess I'd better be going – Haley yawns, even though it's like 10pm. She gets up and hugs me and Peyton – I'll see you two tomorrow.

Peyton gets up and takes her to the door, I stay on the couch, trying to think of what I'm gonna say. I hear the two of them laughing before the door closes and Peyton passes by, barely even looking at me.

- I'll go to bed, ok? Pretty tired.

- Peyton… - I call her quietly, right when she's about to close the bedroom door.

She stops and looks down, her back turned to me, not even moving for a long time. But I can see her closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before finally facing me. When I look into her eyes, it's like I don't even have to ask anything else. It's pretty obvious.

- What? – she asks, simply, still not moving.

- I wanna know the truth. I'm not gonna spy on you, I'm not gonna check your wrists, I'll just ask, and I'll believe whatever you say – I say it slowly, and walk closer to her. That's when I see her eyes are starting to tear up – If you say you're ok, I'll believe you, and I'll stop bringing it up – I stop and, when I get no answer, I ask the simple question – Peyton, are you ok?

She doesn't reply, doesn't say anything. She simply closes her eyes shut, crying, and shakes her head slowly, biting her bottom lip as a few tears fall. I reach my arms to hug her, but she turns around quickly to leave. I grab her arm, making her turn back.

- Let me help. Please – I plead, taking her hands in mine – Look, we've known each other for like 10 years now. You're like my sister, the only real family I ever had. Till Lucas came along – I stop and look at her carefully, she just nods.

We both sit in bed, legs crossed, she lowers her head, but slowly looks back at me, letting the tears come freely now.

- I don't wanna keep falling. I'm so tired of this whole thing. I need you help – she says those last words as if it's the most difficult thing. To ask for help. She's broken. I move to her side and hug her, stroking her hair – Please, help me.

- Just tell me how, friend. I'll do anything – I keep holding her trying to get her crying to subside, then close my eyes, too, repeating, and meaning the word – Anything.

_Are you alive  
Is there a young woman hiding inside  
Does she know that we're trying to help her  
Is she totally frozen with fear  
If you let her come out for a day  
She might even like it and stay  
But it's gonna take you to invite her  
C__ause you seem so determined to spite her_

* * *

**Song: **_Another Place to Fall, _by KT Tunstall. 


	22. Long ago

_God, I missed updating the stories here! It's really been hard to find some time to do this, but things got a little easier this week, so I manage tp type this chapter and the one for Someone Like Me that I updated on Sunday. And as from December I hope to be able to write regularly again, and won't abandon the stories again! Promise! For now, enjoy, and please review! Thanks for reading!_**

* * *

**

**Chapter 22 – Long ago**

_And I know it aches  
__And your heart, it breaks  
__You can only take so much_

Peyton's POV:

She's still hugging me, and I'm still trying to figure out how exactly she can help. I hate to be this pathetic and weak, but truth is, I can't do this by myself. But, damn it, it's also true that I'm sick of feeling like this, of _being_ like this. I remember something I said to Brooke when she was the one doing things that could only hurt her. _It's not you. It's less than you._

- What's on your mind, Peyton? – she asks, sweetly.

- I wanna get better. It's about time I start fighting this, huh? – I give her a small smile, and she smiles back. A huge, bright smile.

- Yeah, it is – she nods, happily – Lucas' gonna be glad to know this. He was worried about you. He said you haven't talked much lately.

Oops. The monkey in the room. As always. I bite my bottom lip and look at her carefully.

- It's just a little weird, that's all.

- I get it – she says, quietly, and the room falls silent – Peyton… is this one of the reasons you're like this? Lucas being with me… is it hurting you, somehow? – the look on her face breaks my heart.

I've lied to her so many times before, I had the chance to say everything and I didn't, cause I didn't want to hurt her. Little did I know the events that would follow would hurt her so much deeper. It doesn't matter that my intentions were good. I lied. Luckily, I don't have to do that anymore.

- It did, at first – I start – but it's ok now. I promise. You're not causing any of this – I look straight into her eyes and assure her – If anything, you're helping me keep strong.

- So… you don't have feelings for Lucas anymore? – she slowly lifts her head up to look at me.

- I honestly don't know. I guess… - I stop to face her and study her reaction. She's not calm, but not pissed off, either. I sigh heavily and look at her – Complete honesty, right? – when she nods, I go on – He was the first guy who ever made me feel this way. I told you before, I probably always will love him, in some way. I know I promised I wouldn't hurt you again, and I didn't keep the promise. But things will change, now. When I think of the things I did… you have no idea. That's what hurts the most. All the mistakes, my thoughts, my choices – I look down after talking too much and wait for her to say something. She doesn't, for a while.

- You still don't think I forgave you completely, do you? You think I'm here only cause of what you're doing to yourself.

I can't help but nod.

- Sometimes – my voice cracks. She's read my mind, once again.

- Peyton, you have to listen to me now. You hurt me pretty bad last year, I won't deny that. But you're also the one who's been here for me every single time since then, even when I wouldn't talk to you. I used to think you were perfect, you know? – she says that last part in a whisper, making me feel like shit. I know she doesn't mean to do that, but the truth sometimes can hurt so much worse than any lie. We both know that – But you're not, and that's ok. No one is. People make mistakes all the time, and you've proven, more than once, that if you could go back and change things, you would. That's what matters, that's who you truly are. Anything I said meaning otherwise, you know I was just hurt – she takes my hands and holds them tight – I know I've let you down before, too, and I'm sorry. I know we probably wouldn't be having this conversation, or any other conversation, if these things hadn't happened, but I'm not here out of pity. I'm here cause you're one of the most important people in my life, and I'm not gonna let you fall again. Maybe I'd still be mad at you if I hadn't come back and found you that day, but eventually I'd be bursting into this room and dragging your brooding ass out of this house, cause that's how things are when it comes to you and me. We may not be best friends all the time, but we're best friends forever.

I'm at a loss of words, and, for the longest time, we just look at each other.

- Even if I never told you, even if I didn't always have the best way of showing it – she finishes, with the words that mean so much more to me than she can ever imagine – I forgave you a long time ago.

That's it. That's the moment I can point out and say I _wanted _to get better. Still, doesn't mean it's easy. It means at least I'll try from now on.

- You haven't said anything in a while.

- I don't really know what to say – I half smile to her.

- You could say you're gonna let me help you from now on. Whenever you feel bad, you have to let me know, even if there's nothing I can do. I'll come and we'll talk… whatever it takes for you to feel better. Ok?

- You say that now, but that way I'd be calling you like three times a day – I laugh bitterly.

- Well, if it's that bad – she swallows hard and continues – then I'll spend more time here, and when I'm at Lucas', or anywhere else, yeah, you can call. Twice a day. Twice an hour, I don't care. Promise me, Peyton.

I nod and cry, hoping I can keep the promise this time.

- You know, Lucas wanted to call Jake – she blurts it out after a while, and I swear my heart almost stops when I hear his name – He said since he helped you before, maybe now he could…

- You told him not to, right? – I interrupt her, suddenly breathing a lot faster than usual.

- Hey, calm down. Of course I did. I told him you'd call when you were ready.

- I'm starting to wonder if I ever will be ready – I sigh while looking away from her, avoiding eye contact.

- What do you mean?

- I mean… I kinda screwed things up. I asked him to marry me, Brooke. And then I talked in my sleep, and when he said I should come back, I just did. And it's been months now, and… what if he's moved on, or what if he changed his mind about us?

- You won't know till you call him.

- That's the thing. I'm too scared to find out.

She sighs and looks at me in silence for a moment.

- Maybe this party wasn't such a good idea. We could just have a few friends over, or go out and eat something. What do you think?

For a moment, I seriously consider just calling the whole thing off. And I could easily say the only reason I didn't do it was cause they've gone through a lot of trouble to get everything ready. But, honestly? I'm thinking it could be interesting.

- Maybe this party isn't such a bad idea, actually – I smile – I never even thanked you for all that, did I?

- You've had other stuff in your mind – she shrugs it off, but I her hand and get her attention.

- I mean it, Brooke. Thanks.

- You deserve it.

My phone suddenly rings.

- My dad – I say, picking it up – Hey, dad!

- Peyton, hey! – just hearing his voice makes me feel better.

- Where are you?

- Florida. We're heading off to the western coast, now.

My smile fades at his words. Everytime he calls, I keep hoping he's calling to say he's coming back, even if for a week, or a few days. But it's probably for the best, anyway. I don't want him to find out what's been happening over the last months.

- You're ok, kid?

- Yeah… sure I am. I just got distracted.

- Peyton… are you sure? You seem a little… off lately.

- I'm ok dad, I promise – I close my eyes and whisper – I just miss you, that's all – I sit in bed, next to Brooke.

- You know I'd go home right now, if I could. Especially cause I didn't wanna miss your birthday again.

- I know. Don't worry about it. Really, I'm fine.

- Is Brooke there? – he asks, as usual.

- Yeah, hold on a sec – I pass the phone to her – If he asks…

- You want me to lie – she whispers – Peyton…

- Please, Brooke.

She takes the phone without looking at me.

- Hey, Papa Sawyer – she greets him and I can't help but roll my eyes at her name for him. After some small talk, her face turns more serious again – Peyton? What about her? – she turns to face me, concerned – Yeah… no, things are… - she stutters, I keep looking at her, almost begging for her not to say anything – Things are just fine. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on her.

She hangs up and I lie down, resting my head on her lap.

- Thanks – I say, quietly, when she starts stroking my hair.

- You better start fighting this for real, Peyton. I hate lying to him about something like that – her voice is serious, but soft.

- I will – I look up at her – I'll try, ok? It's the best I can promise. To try.

- It's good enough.

X X X X X

- Brooke, that thing looks gross – I hear someone whispering the next morning, when I'm still half asleep.

- Shut up, Tutor Girl, it's delicious – Brooke whispers back.

- You're not feeding our baby with this kind of thing, are you? – I can almost see the appalled look on her face when Lucas asks the question. Then I'm pretty sure she slaps him in the arm.

That's when I can't help myself anymore, and let out a little giggle.

- Shit, she's awake! – Brooke's voice gets louder.

- I thought we agreed not to swear in front of the baby.

- SO not the point right now! You ruined the entire surprise!

- Should we do this thing already? On three – I hear another voice. Nathan's. That's when I open my eyes. I have to, I mean, how many people are standing in my room, exactly?

- That does look gross – I grin.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I almost fall out of my bed when I see them all there. Not just Brooke, with a huge tray on her hands, by the way, but also Haley, Nathan, Lucas, and even Mouth and Rachel. Haley jumps in bed and hugs me, while Brooke places the tray over my nightstand and joins.

- I can't believe you did this – I say while Brooke hugs me tight.

- No one deserves it more than you.

I get up and hug Nathan, Mouth, and go to Lucas.

- We're all here for you – he whispers to me – I'm sorry if I told you before not to talk to Brooke, not to worry her. She worries, anyway – we both laugh lightly – I just…

- Luke – I stop him – It's fine. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just trying to protect her. I'm sorry we haven't talked lately. But that's not the reason, ok? I'm not mad.

- Alright. You know I love you, right? – he kisses my forehead and hugs me again, and I let myself relax in his arms.

- You too – alright, I can't say it back. Not cause I don't, but cause I'm afraid saying these words to him out loud again can bring stuff back to me. And some things should stay in the past. Especially now that he said the words and I felt nothing but friendship towards him. Strong, great friendship, but that's all.

Brooke and Haley call him and ask the poor guy to try one of the cookies they made, and, as he goes, I'm left face to face with Rachel.

- I can't believe even you came – I laugh and she soon does the same.

- Yeah, well, I thought I'd supervise the breakfast making. You think _this_ is gross? – she points to the food Brooke brought – That's the good version of all the goo she was making.

I actually make a face at the thought.

- In that case, thanks for looking out for me.

- No problem. Happy birthday, Peyton – she hugs me.

They all stay for a little while longer, I manage to eat some pancakes and they're actually pretty good. I reluctantly admit this to Brooke, and she goes around telling everyone, happy. After they leave, Brooke and I quickly get something to eat for lunch, and I tell her I'll go out for a walk. She looks concerned for a moment, and asks if I want her to come, too, but I tell her it's ok, and that I'll call her if I don't feel well. After promising that for like three times, she finally lets me leave the house.

I go, of course, straight to the cemetery. I know it's kinda sad to be alone, on my birthday, at a cemetery, but I haven't come here in so long… Plus, the place makes me feel peaceful, at ease. I pass by the trees and hear nothing but the sound of my feet through the grass. I have two flowers on my hand. Before going to my mom's grave, I gently place one of them over Keith's. Just as I'm starting to walk away, I see Dan coming. He stops by his brother's tombstone. I turn to leave without a word, this guy creeps me out, but he starts talking.

- Peyton? – just hearing his voice gives me the chills – How's Brooke, and my granddaughter?

I know I have a look of disbelief on my face when I ask him:

- What?

- The baby… everything ok? – he looks genuinely concerned, and I guess that's what freaks me out the most.

- Yeah, sure. They're both fine – I manage to give him a fake smile and walk away, eventually looking back. I can see him staring at his brother's name, and can almost swear I see tears forming in his eyes. That's weird.

I keep walking to the familiar stop there, and when I get to the place, I just talk. Talk, cry, laugh, imagining my mom's really in front of me. As always. I don't even notice the minutes turning into hours. When I go back to my house, most of my friends are already there, along with a lot of people I don't even know. I go straight to my room to change and browse through my clothes. Not long after it, Brooke gets inside, too.

- Hey, everything alright? I was starting to get worried…

- No, I'm fine – I promise her – I just went to the cemetery, lost track of time.

- Why didn't you tell me? I could've gone with you.

- It's fine, really. Plus, you had a lot of stuff to do, apparently. And you did a great job, Brooke. This house looks amazing.

- Well, thanks, P. Sawyer, I'm glad you like it.

- Damn! – I keep going through my clothes and start getting frustrated.

- What's wrong? Peyton… - she comes closer and I face her.

- It's just… it's hot, and I have to hide, you know – I take a quick glance at my wrists.

- Oh… - she looks sadly at me, then takes my hand – Can I…? – with my quiet nod, she turns my arm and sees the scars for the first time in months. She turns to hide her surprise, but lets out a little gasp.

- I was just gonna throw in a jacket, but it's hot. What if they get suspicious? I know I'm being paranoid, but I couldn't stand it if they found out. Especially Lucas, Haley and Nathan. And Mouth. And Rachel. Bevin. Skills…

- I get what you mean – she grabs my hand and makes me sit in bed while she goes through her stuff.

- Brooke, what are you doing? – I laugh half heartedly.

- Stay there and don't worry, Blondie. I have a plan – with that, she comes back with a lot of make up on her hands.

- You're gonna put make up on my wrist? – I ask, amused.

- Are there any recent ones there? – she asks, carefully, and I shrug.

- Three, four days – she looks at me sadly, but goes on.

- They don't hurt anymore, do they?

- Not much. They're closed now.

- Good – she claps her hands – Then go take a shower and put on an amazing dress, cause, trust me, it's gonna pay off – she winks – and we'll hide these. Ok?

I laugh at her enthusiasm and get up, rolling my eyes and laughing.

- Fine. I'll be right back – on my way to the bathroom, I stop and turn back to her – Thanks again, for everything.

- You really don't have to thank me for that. Better yet, you can, by stopping making these so we won't have to worry about hiding them anymore.

- Deal – I smile and go take a shower.

When I finish, not too long later, I choose a simple black dress, to which she makes a face.

- Nah, you're gonna have to do better than that.

- Why, exactly? Brooke, it's just a party.

- It's _your_ party, Peyton. Your birthday. Come on, try this red one – she throws another dress on my direction.

- That's yours.

- You can borrow it – she grins.

I roll my eyes and change into the dress, and it turns out it actually looks good on me. She claps her hands, excited. And I sit next to her. My left wrist, mostly, looks awful. At least two scars are easily visible, and a few more are almost healed. That's when they scare me the most. Cause when they're there, and I can see and feel them, it feels relieving. When they start to fade, I almost need new ones. And I almost never hesitate on making them.

- Let's take care of that now.

She carefully starts covering the scars, and, when she's done, it's perfect. There's no way anyone could notice.

- You're the best, you know that? – I hug her, and she strokes my hair softly.

- I just hope that soon you won't have any more scars to hide. Now come on – she taps my knees and pulls me up – It's time to enjoy your party.

I follow her to the door and open it, distracted, bumping into someone as I make my way out of the room. I look up, and then look at him again, and again. And one more time after that, just to make sure he's really there.

- Happy birthday – he smiles in that unique way that can get me to smile back, no matter how bad things may be. And I'm speechless. A few tears fall from my eyes, but I'm not sure if they're of happiness, or fear, or nervousness. He reaches out to wipe them, I lift my hand up to meet his and smile at his touch. That's it. There's no way to run anymore. Time to face the truth, whatever it is.

_Home...  
I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going  
Home...  
That's where the heart is..._

_

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**Song: **Walk on, by _U2. 


	23. What she needs

_Thanks for the feedback last time! And as from this week, I'll have actual free time again, and no more worries about college till next year! Double yay for that, cause I'll get to UD more often, and hopefully finish this story soon. I have more chapters for Someone Like Me written, but still need to type them. I'll try and update tomorrow! Anyway, enjoy the new chapter!_**

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**

**Chapter 23 – What she needs**

_It isn't very difficult to see why  
__You are the way you are  
__Doesn't take a genious to realize  
__That sometimes life is hard_

Brooke's POV:

I couldn't sleep for the longest time after we talked. And my little baby seemed to be on a fuss, too, inside me. I realized it wasn't that late, so, when the idea struck me, I carefully got out of bed and picked up the phone to call them.

- Come on, Hales, you gotta help me convince everyone else. Ok, great! So be here at 6am, sharp! Well, yeah! That early! You and Nathan! Alright? See ya!

Hanging up the phone, I call a few more people, and, luckily, it's not that hard to talk them into coming. They're all worried about her, too, and I love them for helping with this. I finally get a hold of Lucas.

- But… I've been playing all day – he whines – You seriously want me to be there at 6?

- Hey! Nathan's not complaining.

- Cause you left it to Haley to talk him into this.

- How do you know that?

- You're kidding? Like there's any other way he'd go for it.

- So what are you saying, Lucas? You're not coming? – my voice starts to get weepy – I could use some help, you know? God, even Rachel's coming, and you can't even…

- Hey, baby, I'm going, ok? – I swear I can see him doing his cute smile thing – I'll be there at 6. So, did you two talk? Everything ok?

- I guess… - I sigh – It'll probably be ok – She's asleep now, so that's something.

- She'll be fine, we're all here for her. Now go to sleep and get some rest, cause if I get there early in the morning and if you're not up, you're gonna regret it.

- Fine, since you're asking so nicely. I'll see you tomorrow, then.

I sleep for like 6 hours, but it seems like 6 minutes. But still, I jump out of bed to open the front door, since I told them not to ring the bell and risk waking her up. I unlock it. Haley, of course, is the first one there, along with a tired looking Nathan. They get in and before I can even close the door, Rachel gets in, too.

- I'm not late, am I?

- Nah, we're still waiting for my stupid boyfriend – I mumble, and hear Haley giggling behind me – It's not funny! – I tell her, annoyed.

- Hormones again, huh? – she asks, sympathetically.

- Shut up – I mumble back, shoving my tongue at her.

We hear a soft knock on the door, and I look at it, expecting to see Lucas. But it's Mouth's head that appears.

- Oh, it's you.

- Nice to see you, too, Brooke – he laughs softly, and greets everyone, making room for someone else to get inside.

- I was starting to think of your punishment – I smile and kiss him softly, and then slap him in the arm – Cause you're late, Lucas, and I told you not to be late!

- I'm not late! – he tries to defend himself, and points to everyone – They're the ones who are early!

I take a look at the clock and realize he's right.

- Oh… good then. Let's get this thing started.

X X X X X

- There's no way you're serving that! – Rachel takes a plate from my hands, with what were supposed to be pancakes, and immediately throws them in the trash, inspite of my shocked expression.

- Do you have any idea how long it took me to prepare that?

- I don't care! You're not giving her food poisoning as a birthday present!

- Ok, kids, enough with that. Brooke, you could make her an orange juice – Haley comes holding a small tray full of perfectly shaped brownies. I look at them and pout to Lucas.

- How come she can make the brownies and I get stuck with orange juice? This whole thing was my idea, anyway!

Nathan looks from the trash full of pancakey goo to me.

- You really want an answer for that? – he grins.

- Alright! The juice is just as important as the brownies and the grilled cheese – Haley interrupts me before I can kick her husband's ass.

- Wait! There's grilled cheese, too?

- Yup, just made some – Rachel comes holding a couple of those. And, of course, they look delicious. I roll my eyes and turn to Lucas.

- Honey, am I really that bad?

- Of course not. You just… need some more practice, that's all – he hugs me, before taking some ingredients and placing them next to me – Here, let's try once again.

Fifteen minutes and two batches later, I'm able to come up with something that resembles pancakes, and, according to Mouth, tastes good. I can't really trust his opinion, though, he's too nice. But that's gonna have to do it, cause I don't want anyone else to taste it and throw it away like Rachel did to my poor first batch.

- Let's go, people! – I call for their attention after we organize everything.

X X X X X

- Brooke, that thing looks gross! – Haley makes a face when she sees the food on my hands, already inside Peyton's room.

- Shut up, Tutor Girl, it's delicious! – I whisper, careful not to wake Peyton up.

After some very mean comment from Lucas about my cooking, she wakes up, and I can definitely say she's surprised. It's good to see her smiling like that again. But I soon start worrying again when, after everyone leaves and we have lunch, she says she wants to go out for a walk.

- Everything alright?

- Sure… I'll just go out, take a walk.

- You want me to go with you?

She smiles calmly, and I really feel there's nothing to worry about. Plus, being alone makes the second part of my birthday plan so much easier. After she reassures me a couple more times that she's ok, I let her go.

- I promise, it's fine. I won't be long – she says as she waves goodbye.

As soon as she's out, I take the phone and call his cell. I'm not even sure if that's still his number, but it can't hurt to give it a try. When he answers, I almost hang up. It's not like we're best buds.

- Hey… - I bite my lip when I recognize his voice.

- Brooke? – can't blame him for sounding this confused – Something wrong with Peyton?

I had to smile at his concern. They care so much about each other, it's crazy. It's crazy that they're still so far apart. Maybe Lucas is right. He saved her before, he helped her. Maybe that's what she needs now, again.

- It's her birthday…

- I know – his words come with a sigh – I wanted to call, I just wasn't sure if I should. I mean, after we left, it was kind of up to her…

- No, you shouldn't call – I say, firmly.

- I see… so… she and Lucas…

- You should come – I interrupt him. Partly cause there's not much time for him to get here, partly cause I don't wanna hear the end of his sentence.

- What? Brooke… I don't know if you know what happened, but things are kinda complicated…

- I know… trust me, Jake, I know everything. And I also know she needs you here. So you still care about her? – I can't help asking him, and then realize how awkward this is – I'm sorry, it's none of my business.

- Brooke… - to my surprise, he laughs heartedly – It's ok. Of course I care about her. I love her. But there's a lot she needs to figure out…

- If this is about Lucas… Just get here, you'll see – I smile while rubbing my belly.

- You still haven't told me if she's ok.

My turn to sigh.

- Things have been kinda hard since she came back from Savannah. But it's getting better now.

- I don't know…

- Please, Jake – I plead – She's too scared to call you herself, but I know she wants you here.

There's silence for a while.

- I can't promise anything, ok? I'll think about it – he finally says.

Who is he trying to kid? Of course he's coming, it was pretty obvious in his voice.

- So… ready to turn this place into a nightclub? – I hear Mouth asking me just as I hang up the phone. When I turn around, I see Lucas and Rachel with him.

- Who were you talking to there? – Lucas asks. I make the most innocent smile I can and quickly change the subject.

- Looks like someone decided to make up for being late this morning – he starts to protest but I soon kiss him. That's always a good strategy. Leaves no room for discussion.

We start organizing the last details, Lucas and Mouth moving some stuff around. When Nathan and Haley get there, she joins us and he goes help the guys. Doesn't take too long till the place looks perfect for a party.

The guests start showing, and I look around nervously. But he's nowhere to be found. Lucas notices, but doesn't understand what, or who exactly I'm looking for. And I don't make a point in telling him. If Jake doesn't show up, no one needs to know I even called him.

The house gets more and more crowded, and still no sign or Jake. Or Peyton. Part of me actually wonders if they arrived at the same time and are talking things through, or seriously making out by now. I keep looking at the clock every five minutes, cause she's been gone for a long time, now. Didn't she say she'd be back soon? Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes, and I'll call her.

She walks quickly, into the house, and almost straight to her room. Doesn't look like she's done something bad.

- Brooke! – I hear someone calling, just as I'm about to follow her. When I turn around, I notice his eyes going straight to the bump on my stomach.

- I told you there was nothing to worry about with Peyton and Lucas – I smile.

- You mean… it's Lucas'? You and Lucas are having a baby? – he comes nearer and hugs me, congratulating me.

- A baby girl – I nod.

- Wow… I sure missed a lot here – he looks at me again, smiling – It's pretty amazing, isn't it?

- There's no way to describe it, really.

- How's Lucas, with all this?

- We were both scared, at first. But now, he's excited. He's so protective, and caring, he feels her when she kicks, he goes to the doctor's appointments… - I realize I'm talking nonstop, but he doesn't seem to mind.

- I'm sure he's gonna be a great dad. Once you and Lucas see her face looking at you, there's no secret. It's suddenly so easy…

I'm starting to tear up already, so I decide to stop the subject there.

- I'm gonna go see Peyton, ok? Wait right here, or walk around and talk to everyone. She just got home. I won't tell her you're here, I'll just… check on her and then you two can talk.

- Ok. It was good seeing you, Brooke. And congratulations.

- Thanks, Jake. And thanks for coming.

I go into the room, she's looking through her clothes. When I ask where she was and she says she went to the cemetery, I feel bad that I wasn't there, too. I'm almost always there with her. But she assures me it's fine, so I stop worrying that much. She takes a shower, I help her with the make up on the scars. I can't hide the fear when I see them. Sometimes it's still hard to believe things have gotten to this point. But, hopefully, the great guy standing right outside is gonna help change that.

The look on her face as she opens the door makes me more sure that I did the right thing by calling him.

- I'll let you kids talk – I wink at her and leave.

As soon as I do, I feel my blood pressure drop a little. I don't even have to look for Lucas, cause he shows up out of nowhere and holds my waist.

- Hey, everything ok? You look a little pale – he puts his hand on my forehead.

- It's nothing, I'm just a bit tired.

- You wanna take a nap?

- I didn't wanna miss the party. It just started – I pout.

- You've been up since 5:30 this morning, you need some rest. We can go back to the party later, it'll probably keep going for a long time, anyway. Come on.

We get into the guestroom and I lie down, with Lucas stroking my hair.

- Are you sure everything's ok? Don't you wanna go home?

- I love you for worrying, but you said it yourself. It's late and I've been up since early this morning. I'll rest my eyes and I'll be good as new, you'll see.

I close my eyes and think of Jake, and how their conversation must be going. God, I really hope that was the right thing to do. But now there's nothing to do but wait. Rest a little, and wait to see what happens.

_It's gonna take time  
__But you just have to wait  
__You're gonna be fine_

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**Song: **_Heal Over, _by KT Tunstall. 


	24. Near you

_Sorry it took me a while, but I'm planning on finishing this story till my classes start again, so it shouldn't take too long between updates now. I'm sorry this is probably the shortest chapter yet, but the next one's bigger, I promise. Let me know what you think of it, please?_

_Oh, also, I got a review about the punctuation, and the lack of quotation marks, and I think I should explain it here. I live in Brazil, and the way the dialogues are written here is the official way to write them in my country. I realize it's different than in the US, and I'm actually using the quotation marks on my most recent stories, but this one was the first one I posted here, and I don't wanna change the pattern in the middle of it. But if you want me to, there's absolutely no problem, just let me know and I will!_**

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**

**Chapter 24 – Near You**

_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And the light's always red in the rear-view  
Desperately close to a coffin of hope  
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you_

Peyton's POV:

I can't seem to let go of his hand, of his touch, and it seems like time just stands still. I don't even see all the people around anymore, I don't hear them. All my attention is on him. When our eyes finally meet, he's already inside the room. I pull him close and kiss him. A strong, passionate, almost desperate kiss. Both from me and from him. Words aren't needed. From this kiss, I know he missed me as much as I missed him, if not more.

I get completely lost in him, not daring to move an inch away. Until reality strikes me.

Jake… - I whisper, finding some strength to pull away. He faces me, worry evident on his expression. I can only avoid his gaze – Jake, I can't – I almost choke on the words, and it's even worse when I look back into his eyes.

He laughs in disbelief.

- Great, just great. I can't believe I let Brooke talk me into coming here.

- Jake… please, don't go like that. Let me explain – but he doesn't. He leaves the room so fast I don't have time to call him back.

The door remains open long enough for me to watch him disappear between the crowd. Then I close it and let the tears come freely. I'm so used not to think in a situation like this, that I barely notice my whole body making its way to the bathroom, and reaching for the small object I've become intimate with over the past months. My hands are shaking, and, for the first time since I started this, I hesitate. Jake's face, Jenny's little face, Brooke's face, they all come to my head, and it's almost as if all of them take my hand and guide me away from that place, away from that blade. I have to stop this. And I won't be able to, unless I make an effort. I keep saying I'll fight, so it's about time I start. I throw the razor across the room and slide against the wall, sitting, crying.

I want nothing more than to just be with him, live with him, even. Be as close as possible, as soon as possible. But I need to be ok before I do it. I owe him and Jenny that much. I wouldn't be able to stand it if Jenny saw something and had to deal with a thing like that. And I wouldn't stand it if Jake found out and blamed himself for any of this.

I go back to the party, after washing the tears from my face. I soon find Haley and Nathan.

- Peyton, we were looking everywhere for you – Haley hugs me and Nathan does the same.

- Good party here. We were surprised when we saw Jake. Didn't know you two were together again.

- We're not, actually – I take a deep breath and give them a weak smile – Brooke… she called him, apparently.

- It does sound like something she would do – Nathan laughs.

- He seemed upset when we saw him – Haley speaks carefully – You're ok?

- Not really. I'm… scared, you know? I still need some time before getting back together with him.

- Why don't you tell him that? He's sitting right outside – Nathan points to the window and I see Jake on the steps of the front porch.

I thought he'd left the party, and I wouldn't get the chance to talk to him about what happened till he was back in Savannah.

- Hey – I say softly, sitting beside him, both of us facing the street ahead. When he doesn't reply, I sigh – So you're not even talking to me?

- You remember what I said – he starts – when you were at my place, and we talked about getting together? That I had to be twice as careful. Once for me…

- And once for Jenny – I complete his sentence before he does.

- It's the second time I let myself forget about this. Both times for you. God, she already knows you, Peyton. She saw this picture of you, last month, and she knew it was you.

That little confession brings warmth to my heart I never thought possible.

- Speaking of which, how's the custody battle? – I decide to try and turn the conversation another way, before we talk about what really brought me to this porch.

- Sometimes I get her for an entire weekend now. Nikki's doing pretty great, too, she actually surprised me. But it's gonna be over soon, probably in a couple of months, and it's most likely I'll get her. It's pretty obvious she likes me better – he gives an uncharacteristic smirk that makes me laugh.

- And if you do… you're coming back? – I reluctantly ask him.

- Still not sure. It'll be harder for Nikki to see her if I do – I nod quietly to his words – Peyton… when Brooke called, she seemed pretty sure I should come see you.

I let out a small laugh when he mentions Brooke really called and convinced him to come. Classic Brooke.

- She was right, Jake.

He seems surprised by my words, and immediately turns to face me. I go on before he has the chance to say anything else.

- Look, when I said I couldn't do it, I meant right now. But I do wanna be with you. Those feelings for Lucas are gone now, I'm happy for him and Brooke. And all this time, when I thought about you, my heart ached in a way it never did for him. I know what I want, Jake. And it's you.

He looks at me and his eyes have a different spark. He takes my hands on his.

- That day I asked you to marry me… maybe it was rushed, too soon. But at the same time, I don't think I've ever thought so clearly in my entire life.

- But…? – he knows there's a 'but'. Because things are never that simple when it comes to the two of us.

- But you wouldn't believe the mess I am right now. That was one of the reasons I didn't call you. So much has happened, Jake, so much – a tear falls down my face as I look at him – the person I am at this moment, the person I've been for the past months… both you and Jenny deserve so much better. And I don't wanna do anything till I'm sure I can be that person for the two of you. The person I used to be.

- Peyton, what happened? What's going on with you? Brooke wouldn't tell me, but it's obvious there's something, and I was so worried all the way here – he takes a bit of my hair and pulls it behind my ear, letting his hand rest on the side of my face.

I debate on whether not to tell him, just tell him the whole thing. But I could never do this to him. I could never burden him like this. It's bad enough that I did this to Brooke.

My eyes are closed, every single part of me enjoying the proximity between us.

- It doesn't matter.

- Of course it matters! If it's strong enough to keep us apart, if it was something so important that kept you from calling months ago, how can you say it doesn't matter?

I hate to see that frustrated look on his face. And he's right, it does matter, a lot.

- Jake, you have to trust me on this one, ok? – I cup his face with my hands – It's something I have to deal with by myself, before I can do anything else. But it's getting better, I promise. Just your presence here, you have no idea how good it is to me.

- Are you sick, Peyton? – his voice shakes with fear at his own question.

- No. Well, not really – I sigh, trying to pick my words carefully, so that I don't have to lie to him. I mean, I am sick, after all. But if I say that, he's probably gonna think I have cancer or something – Let's just say that, at this moment, it's 100 up to me to get better, and I really really want to.

- I hope you do – he leans his head closer to mine so that our foreheads touch – Cause I'm not gonna lose you again.

He gets closer, his lips touching mine in the sweetest kiss I've ever had. I kiss him back, softly this time. No desperation, just love.

- How long? – he asks when we pull apart, my lips already missing his – How long till you stop torturing me? – he laughs, making me smile warmly.

- I can't be sure. A couple of months, maybe.

I can see he doesn't like it, and for a moment it seems like he's gonna make his thoughts about it heard, but he stops himself before doing so.

- Ok… can I at least stay the night?

- You thought I was gonna let you go back at this time of the night? Of course you're staying – I touch the tip of his nose, unable to keep from looking at his amazing smile – Thank you for coming – I say, completely serious this time – You just made turning a year older totally worth it.

He hugs me.

- And you just made my boring and innerving car ride here worth it, too.

I'm smiling like an idiot, but I don't care. When I have his arms around me and I hear his voice talking to me, I realize acting like an idiot isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as the reason is being crazy in love.

_Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And it's finally quiet in my head  
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed_

* * *

_**Song: **Wreck of the Day, by _Anna Nalick. 


End file.
